Chương 8
Maria’s eyes filled.
Dr. Kim noticed.
“So might adults, actually.”
Ethan looked at her.
“What do I do tonight?”
“Keep his routine boring.”
He almost laughed.
“Boring.”
“Food. Bath. Same room. Same bedtime object. Familiar caregiver. Familiar parent.”
“Vanessa?”
Dr. Kim waited before answering.
“If you’re asking whether a relationship should be permanently ended based on what I know, no. If you’re asking whether a short pause while the adults get clearer information is unreasonable, also no.”
Ethan nodded slowly.
“Can you speak to Vanessa?”
“If she agrees.”
“She will.”
Dr. Kim raised an eyebrow.
“You may want to ask her before deciding.”
That irritated him too.
He took out his phone.
Vanessa agreed.
Dr. Kim met her the next morning at a neutral office.
Ethan was not present.
He hated that.
Ben told him his discomfort was not evidence of bad process.
Ethan hated that sentence even more.
That evening, Vanessa called.
He answered in his study.
“You sent me to a psychologist.”
“I asked if you would speak to her.”
“You knew I couldn’t say no without looking guilty.”
“You could have said no.”
“That isn’t the same thing.”
Ethan rubbed his eyes.
“What did she say?”
“That our conversation is private.”
“Okay.”
“You sound disappointed.”
“I am.”
“Good.”
He let that go.
Vanessa breathed into the phone.
“I want to come home.”
Ethan looked through the glass doors.
Noah was on the terrace with Maria, wearing a tiny jacket and trying to pick up leaves with both hands.
“Not yet.”
“How long is ‘not yet’?”
“I don’t know.”
“You keep not knowing.”
“Yes.”
“That’s very convenient for you.”
“It isn’t.”
“I have clothes there. My office is there.”
“We can arrange access.”
“Access to my own home.”
Ethan said nothing.
Vanessa’s voice sharpened.
“Do you understand what you’re doing to me?”
“Yes.”
“No, you understand what you’re doing to Noah because everyone has apparently agreed he’s the only human being in this.”
“He’s two.”
“And I’m your wife.”
“I know.”
“You chose me.”
The sentence was not loud.
It was worse because it was true.
Ethan leaned back.
“I did.”
“Then act like it.”
“What does that mean?”
“Believe me.”
He closed his eyes.
“I can’t choose truth by loyalty.”
“So you choose Maria.”
“No.”
“You already did.”
“No. I chose to look.”
Vanessa was quiet.
When she spoke again, her voice had changed.
“Then look at her phone.”
Ethan opened his eyes.
“What?”
“Ask her about the notes.”
“What notes?”
“She keeps notes on me.”
He did not answer.
Vanessa continued.
“I found one on the nursery counter two weeks ago. Dates. Things I said. Things Noah did.”
“That seems like exactly what she should have done if she was concerned.”
“Or exactly what someone does when building a case.”
“A case for what?”
“To get rid of me.”
“Why would she want that?”
“Because Claire asked her to protect him.”
Ethan went still.
“What did you say?”
Vanessa exhaled.
“Ask Maria.”
The call ended.
Ethan remained at his desk.
He watched Noah through the glass.
Maria crouched beside him and helped zip his jacket.
Claire asked her to protect him.
The sentence should not have surprised him.
Instead it felt like discovering a locked door inside his own memory.
He opened the terrace door.
“Maria.”
She looked up.
“Can we talk?”
She saw his face.
Her hands stopped.
“Yes.”
They went inside.
Noah remained with Owen for five minutes, something that amused Owen and delighted Noah because Owen had keys.
In the study, Ethan closed the door.
“Did Claire ask you to protect Noah?”
Maria froze.
There it was.
Not guilt.
Something worse.
Grief.
“Yes.”
“When?”
“The hospital.”
Ethan stared at her.
“Which time?”
Maria looked down.
“The last night.”
He stood.
The chair rolled backward.
“You were there?”
“Yes.”
“I was there.”
“I know.”
“When?”
“You went downstairs.”
“For coffee.”
“Yes.”
He remembered.
The vending machine had been broken.
He had walked to the lobby café.
He had bought coffee Claire never drank.
When he came back, Maria was leaving the room.
He had assumed she had been saying goodbye.
“What did Claire say?”
Maria’s lips trembled.
Ethan’s voice sharpened.
“What did she say?”
“She told me you would love him enough for both of you.”
He looked away.
“And?”
“She said you would also try to work enough for three people.”
His eyes closed.
That sounded like Claire.
Painfully.
Maria continued.
“She said when you got scared, you got busy.”
Ethan laughed once, bitterly.
“Also sounds like her.”
“She told me not to let Noah become one more thing managed by your assistants.”
He looked at Maria.
“And you never told me.”
“She made me promise not to use her words against you.”
“You could have told me after I started failing.”
Maria’s face changed.
“I did.”
Silence.
Ethan looked toward the terrace.
Owen was crouched while Noah examined his key ring.
Maria wiped one eye.
“I didn’t say Claire’s exact words because they would have hurt you.”
“They hurt now.”
“I know.”
“Maybe I needed that.”
“Maybe.”
He looked at her.
“You’re angry with me.”
Maria shook her head too fast.
“Don’t.”
She stopped.
Ethan waited.
She sat down.
“Yes.”
“For what?”
“You disappeared.”
“I was here.”
“No.”
The word was quiet.
Maria took a breath.
“You slept here. You changed clothes here. You kissed him good morning sometimes. You paid everyone. You made sure he had doctors and clothes and everything.”
Ethan stared at her.
“But you disappeared.”
He turned toward the window.
A landscaping truck moved slowly beyond the trees.
Someone was blowing leaves along the far drive.
The ordinary noise seemed ridiculous.
Maria continued.
“And then Vanessa came, and you were happy.”
“I was trying to be.”
“I know.”
“You didn’t like her.”
“I did at first.”
He turned.
Maria gave him a tired smile.
“She brought me soup when I had the flu.”
“I remember.”
“You don’t.”
He thought about it.
She was right.
May you like
Maria continued.
“She used to sit on the nursery floor and let Noah put blocks in her shoes. She was patient. She asked about Claire.”
