Chương 10
He had spent nearly two years avoiding Claire’s voice because hearing it made the world feel incorrectly arranged.
Maria had let Noah hear it.
Vanessa had turned off the speaker.
Both women had made choices around his grief while he pretended grief was private.
A knock came.
He said nothing.
Another knock.
“Daddy?”
Ethan lowered his hands.
Noah’s fingers appeared under the door.
Ethan laughed through his tears.
He opened it.
Noah looked up at him.
“You okay?”
The words were imperfect.
The meaning was clear.
Ethan crouched.
“No.”
Noah considered this.
Then held out a toy truck.
Ethan took it.
“Thanks.”
Noah walked away.
Ethan remained crouched in the hallway holding the truck.
That afternoon, Vanessa asked to meet.
Not at the house.
They chose a quiet private room at a hotel restaurant.
She arrived first.
Ethan noticed she had removed her diamond bracelet.
He did not know why that mattered.
Maybe it did not.
She looked exhausted.
“So.”
“So.”
“I assume you’ve completed the investigation.”
“No.”
“Of course not.”
A server brought water.
Neither touched it.
Vanessa folded her napkin into a smaller square.
“I talked to Rachel.”
“Dr. Kim.”
“She told you to call her that?”
“No.”
Vanessa looked away.
“She says forcing the word Mom was wrong.”
Ethan waited.
“She says the chair was wrong.”
He said nothing.
“She says removing Claire’s picture was wrong.”
Still nothing.
Vanessa’s fingers tightened on the napkin.
“You could help me here.”
“How?”
“Say something.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know.”
“Then I don’t know either.”
She looked at him sharply.
“Do you enjoy this?”
“No.”
“You’re very calm.”
“I’m not.”
“You look calm.”
“That’s not the same.”
She looked down.
After a moment, she said, “I thought if he called me Mom, eventually it would feel true.”
Ethan’s throat tightened.
“To him?”
“To everyone.”
The honesty surprised both of them.
Vanessa stared at the table.
“At school forms. At parties. With your mother. With the staff.”
“You’re his stepmother.”
“I know what the word is.”
“Then what?”
“You don’t know what it’s like.”
“No.”
“People would ask me how old my son was. I’d say two. Then somebody would mention Claire. Or someone would tell me how much he looked like her.”
Ethan said nothing.
“I would walk into a room and people would lower their voices because they had been talking about her.”
“That happened?”
“All the time.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Vanessa laughed bitterly.
“There’s your sentence.”
He looked away.
She continued.
“You were in love with a dead woman.”
“I still love her.”
Vanessa flinched.
Ethan did not take it back.
“I also loved you.”
“Loved.”
He realized what he had said.
“I don’t know what tense to use right now.”
“That’s kind.”
“It’s true.”
She folded the napkin again.
“I thought I could be patient.”
“With Noah?”
“With all of it.”
Her eyes filled.
“At first when he said Mama and pointed to Claire’s picture, I thought it was sweet. I did.”
“I believe you.”
“Then one day he fell down.”
Her voice changed.
“He was with me. Just me. Maria was off. You were in Dallas.”
Ethan remembered the trip.
“He fell by the back steps. Nothing serious. He scraped his palm.”
Ethan waited.
“I picked him up. He was crying. He looked at me and said, ‘Mama.’”
Vanessa pressed her lips together.
“I thought he meant me.”
Ethan closed his eyes.
“Then he pointed over my shoulder.”
“The picture?”
“She was on the wall.”
Vanessa nodded.
“I hated her.”
There it was.
No excuse.
No softened version.
“I hated a woman who had been dead for almost two years.”
Ethan looked at her.
Vanessa wiped one eye quickly.
“I hated her for being his mother forever while I had to audition every day.”
“Claire didn’t do that to you.”
“I know.”
“Noah didn’t either.”
“I know.”
“Maria didn’t.”
“I know.”
“Then why punish him?”
“I didn’t call it punishment.”
“What do you call it now?”
Vanessa stared at him.
“Punishment.”
The server approached.
Vanessa gave a tiny shake of her head.
The server disappeared.
Ethan rested both hands on the table.
“How many times?”
“I don’t know.”
“Try.”
“Maybe ten.”
Maria’s notes had six clear incidents.
The number did not feel impossible.
“How long in the chair?”
“Two minutes. Sometimes three.”
“Alone?”
“Yes.”
“Door closed?”
“Sometimes.”
“Why?”
“Because he would cry harder if he saw me.”
Ethan’s jaw tightened.
“So you closed the door.”
“Yes.”
“You made a two-year-old sit alone because he said his dead mother’s name.”
Vanessa’s face collapsed for a second.
Then control returned.
“When you say it like that—”
“How else should I say it?”
“I don’t know.”
They sat in silence.
A coffee machine hissed beyond the wall.
Someone laughed in the main dining room.
Vanessa unfolded the napkin she had destroyed and tried to smooth it flat.
“I’m ashamed.”
Ethan watched her.
“I believe that too.”
“Does that matter?”
“Yes.”
“Does it change anything?”
“I don’t know.”
She laughed weakly.
“Your favorite answer.”
“It’s the only honest one I have.”
Vanessa looked at him.
“I want to come home.”
“No.”
Her face tightened.
“Not yet?”
He shook his head.
“No.”
She understood the difference.
“Are you leaving me?”
“I think we need to separate.”
She looked down.
He expected tears.
Instead she became extremely still.
“What about Noah?”
“You won’t be alone with him.”
“Ever?”
“I don’t know.”
“Ethan.”
“I’m not using him to punish you.”
“It feels exactly like that.”
“I know.”
“You said I never hit him.”
“You scared him.”
“I can fix that.”
“Maybe.”
“Then let me.”
“Not by making him responsible for forgiving you on your schedule.”
Vanessa’s eyes sharpened.
“That sounds like Rachel.”
“It probably is.”
“So she’s coaching you now.”
“No. She said something yesterday and I listened.”
The cruelty landed without his intending it.
Vanessa looked away.
“I see.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, you’re not.”
“I am.”
“Stop apologizing after you cut me.”
May you like
Ethan nodded.
“That’s fair.”
