Chương 9
On Wednesday, she picked him up early for a dental appointment.
As they waited in the parking lot afterward, Ethan stared at the dashboard.
“Mom?”
“Yeah?”
“Can people delete camera videos?”
Claire turned toward him.
“Sometimes.”
His face tightened.
“Did Grandpa?”
“No.”
“How do you know?”
“He sent me a copy.”
“Where?”
“On my phone.”
“Can I see that it’s there?”
Claire hesitated.
Then she opened her files and showed him the thumbnail.
He did not play it.
He only looked.
“Okay.”
Claire closed the phone.
“Were you worried about that?”
“A little.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
He shrugged.
“You were working.”
Claire felt guilt immediately.
She worked from home three days a week as a project manager for a medical software company, which meant Ethan often saw her physically present and mentally elsewhere.
“You can interrupt me if something is bothering you.”
“You say not to interrupt meetings.”
“Not for snacks. For important things.”
“How do I know if it’s important?”
That was irritatingly reasonable.
Claire thought.
“If it makes your stomach hurt.”
He considered that.
“What if I’m hungry?”
“Different stomach hurt.”
He smiled.
“Okay.”
That night Claire moved the video into a password-protected folder and backed it up to cloud storage.
She disliked herself a little while doing it.
The impulse felt obsessive.
Then she remembered Ethan asking whether it could disappear.
She kept the copy.
Friday afternoon, Vanessa finally called.
Claire watched the phone ring until it nearly stopped.
Then she answered.
“Hi.”
Vanessa’s voice was controlled.
“Can we talk?”
“We are.”
“You know what I mean.”
Claire closed her laptop.
Ethan was at a friend’s house.
“All right.”
“I want to apologize.”
“To me?”
“To both of you.”
“Ethan isn’t here.”
“I know.”
“How?”
Vanessa paused.
“Mom told me.”
Claire’s irritation sharpened.
“I’ll talk to her about that.”
“Claire, please.”
The please sounded expensive.
Vanessa rarely used it.
Claire leaned back in her chair.
“Go ahead.”
“I was wrong.”
Claire waited.
“I knocked the horse over.”
“Yes.”
“I blamed Ethan.”
“Yes.”
“I shouldn’t have.”
“No.”
“And I should not have raised my hand.”
Claire said nothing.
“I wasn’t going to hit him.”
There it was.
Claire closed her eyes.
“You almost made it.”
“What?”
“You almost apologized.”
“I am apologizing.”
“No. You’re negotiating the wording.”
“That’s not fair.”
Claire laughed.
“Vanessa.”
“I was angry.”
“So?”
“I lifted my hand. I did not strike him.”
“Because I caught your wrist.”
“You don’t know what I would have done.”
“Neither do you.”
Silence.
Vanessa’s voice changed.
Lower.
“I know you think I’m some kind of monster.”
“I don’t.”
“Really?”
“I think you panicked when you broke something expensive and blamed the closest person who had less power than you.”
Vanessa inhaled sharply.
“That’s a very convenient interpretation.”
“It’s on video.”
“The accident is on video.”
“So is the accusation.”
“I reacted.”
“Before the horse hit the floor.”
Another silence.
Claire could almost see her sister searching for an angle.
When Vanessa spoke again, she sounded tired.
“Do you know what it’s like to have everybody look at you like that?”
Claire stared at the wall.
“Yes.”
Vanessa stopped.
Neither sister spoke.
Claire had not planned the answer.
She wished she could take it back.
Not because it was false.
Because it was too true.
Vanessa’s voice came softer.
“This is about when we were kids now?”
“No.”
“It obviously is.”
“No. This is about Ethan. But you asked me a question.”
“Mom told me Dad brought up the lamp.”
“Dad brought up the lamp.”
“So everybody’s digging through thirty years of history to prove I’m evil.”
“No one said evil.”
“You don’t have to.”
Claire rubbed her eyes.
“This is why I didn’t want to talk.”
“You never want to talk when you think you’re right.”
“And you never stop talking until everyone is too tired to tell you you’re wrong.”
The sentence landed.
Claire heard Vanessa breathe in.
“That was Daniel’s line.”
Claire went cold.
“What?”
“He said that once.”
“When?”
“At your house. Years ago.”
Claire remembered.
A Thanksgiving argument over whether Vanessa had invited extra guests without telling Claire. Daniel had been washing dishes when he muttered something under his breath.
Claire had not known Vanessa heard.
“Don’t bring him into this.”
“I’m not.”
“You just did.”
“I’m saying this isn’t a new opinion.”
Claire stood.
“I’m hanging up.”
“Claire.”
“What?”
“I miss him too.”
Claire’s hand tightened around the phone.
“No.”
Vanessa’s voice cracked for the first time.
“I do.”
“No, you don’t get to use him right now.”
“I’m not using—”
“You didn’t call for a year after he died unless Mom reminded you.”
“That is not true.”
“It is.”
“I didn’t know what to say to you.”
“So you said nothing.”
“You didn’t answer half my messages.”
“I was trying to keep my kid alive emotionally while I could barely get out of bed.”
“I know.”
“No, you don’t.”
Vanessa went quiet.
Claire pressed her fingertips against the desk.
She had not meant to go here.
This was the danger of old families. Pull one thread and three decades came with it.
Vanessa said, “I thought you hated me.”
Claire’s anger faltered.
“What?”
“After Daniel died.”
“Why would I?”
“Because I still had Ryan.”
Claire stared at the floor.
For once, she had no idea what Vanessa meant.
“That makes no sense.”
“I know.”
“Vanessa.”
“I know.”
Her sister sounded suddenly younger.
Not innocent.
Just exposed.
“I would come over and you’d look at Ryan and me, and I thought—”
“What?”
“I thought you couldn’t stand seeing us.”
Claire sat back down.
She remembered those months.
Ryan complaining about traffic.
Vanessa getting irritated because he bought the wrong coffee.
The casual ugliness of a living marriage.
Claire had envied it.
She had hated them a little.
Not for having each other.
For having enough time together to be annoyed.
“I was jealous,” Claire said.
Vanessa did not answer.
“I was jealous of every married couple.”
May you like
“Oh.”
“But I didn’t hate you.”
