Chương 7
“I know.”
“Do you?”
“I’m trying to.”
That answer, too, was honest.
Ethan ate two slices of banana bread and announced that one was better than the other even though they came from the same loaf.
Helen stayed until noon.
At the door, she hugged Claire.
Claire held herself stiffly for the first second.
Then not.
Helen whispered, “I believe you.”
Claire knew what she meant.
Not last night.
Everything before.
Claire stepped back.
“I didn’t ask you to.”
“No.”
Helen wiped beneath one eye.
“That’s part of why I needed to say it.”
After she left, Claire stood at the window and watched her mother drive away.
Ethan came up beside her.
“Grandma drives slow.”
“Yes.”
“Slower than you.”
“Everybody drives slower than me.”
“Dad says you drive like you’re mad at the road.”
Claire froze.
Ethan’s father had been dead fourteen months.
There were still moments when Daniel entered a room through a sentence.
Claire placed her hand against the window frame.
“He did say that.”
“He was funny.”
“Sometimes.”
“He thought he was funnier.”
“That is extremely true.”
Ethan leaned into her side.
“Do you think Dad can see the horse?”
Claire swallowed.
“I don’t know.”
“From heaven.”
“I know what you mean.”
“What do you think?”
Claire had stopped pretending certainty with him after Daniel died. Too many adults had told Ethan his father was watching him. It had terrified him for three weeks because he wanted privacy in the bathroom.
“I think if there is a way for him to know what happened, he knows you didn’t break it.”
Ethan nodded.
“He would be mad.”
“Yes.”
“At Aunt Vanessa.”
“Yes.”
“He’d say a bad word.”
Claire laughed.
“He absolutely would.”
Ethan smiled.
“Probably the F one.”
“Go draw your dragon.”
“That means yes.”
“Go.”
He ran back toward the table.
Claire stayed at the window.
Daniel had been better at confrontation than she was.
Not louder.
Just less willing to pretend.
The first time he met Vanessa, he had waited until they were in the car and said, Your sister argues like she charges admission.
Claire had defended her.
She always defended Vanessa to outsiders.
Family was allowed to complain about family. Nobody else was.
Daniel had eventually learned not to push.
Claire wondered what he would think of that now.
Her phone rang.
Ryan.
She almost ignored it.
Then she answered.
“What?”
“That’s welcoming.”
“I’m not in a welcoming mood.”
“Fair.”
There was noise behind him. Traffic.
“You driving?”
“No. Walking.”
“Where?”
“Around.”
Claire waited.
Ryan exhaled.
“I left.”
Claire frowned.
“Left my parents’ house?”
“Yes.”
“Where’s Vanessa?”
“There.”
“You left her?”
“We had a fight.”
“That’s between you two.”
“I know.”
“Then why are you calling me?”
“Because part of the fight was about Ethan.”
Claire straightened.
“What about him?”
“She wants to go to your house.”
“No.”
“I told her that.”
Claire said nothing.
Ryan continued.
“She thinks if she apologizes directly, this gets resolved.”
“It doesn’t.”
“I know.”
The words came faster now.
“I told her she needs to give you space. She said you’re going to use this to turn everyone against her.”
Claire laughed once.
“Of course.”
“And then she said the camera made it look worse than it was.”
“It recorded what happened.”
“I know.”
“Ryan, why are you calling?”
He was silent.
Then: “Because I’ve heard that sentence before.”
Claire sat down.
“What sentence?”
“The camera made it look worse than it was.”
A car passed him. Wind moved across the microphone.
Ryan lowered his voice.
“Two years ago we had a fight at a hotel in Boston.”
Claire waited.
“I’m not going to give you our marriage history. It’s not relevant.”
“Okay.”
“But she threw a glass.”
“At you?”
“At the wall.”
Claire closed her eyes.
“A hotel employee came because somebody complained. Vanessa told him the glass slipped.”
“Did it?”
“No.”
“Why did you go along with it?”
Ryan laughed quietly.
“No good answer.”
“Try.”
“I didn’t want it to become a thing.”
There was the family prayer again.
Claire almost said it aloud.
Ryan continued.
“There was a hallway camera. Security reviewed it because they thought maybe someone else had been involved. It caught part of the argument through the open door. Not everything. Enough.”
“And?”
“She said the angle made it look aggressive.”
“Was it aggressive?”
“Yes.”
Claire looked at Ethan across the room.
He was drawing flames.
“Has she hit you?”
“No.”
“Has she tried?”
“No.”
“Has she hit anyone?”
“Not that I know.”
Claire relaxed only slightly.
Ryan said, “I’m not telling you this because I think Vanessa is dangerous.”
“She raised her hand to my kid.”
“I saw.”
“Then be careful with your vocabulary.”
He was quiet.
“Fair.”
Claire was beginning to hate how often that word appeared when people had nothing better.
Ryan said, “She gets scared when she’s wrong.”
“So do most people.”
“No. She gets—”
He stopped.
“What?”
“Fast.”
Claire looked toward the kitchen.
“Yes.”
“Like if she can establish what happened first, then everybody else has to argue against it.”
Claire remembered the horse falling.
Before the crash.
The finger.
The accusation.
“Yes,” she said.
Ryan lowered his voice further.
“I think I’ve helped her do that.”
Claire did not rescue him.
He continued after a while.
“Not intentionally.”
“You laughed at Ethan.”
“I know.”
“You told me to control him.”
“I know.”
“You made it easier for her.”
“I know.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“Nothing.”
“Good.”
“I just thought you should know I told her not to come over.”
“Thank you.”
“And I’m going back to the house now.”
“Why?”
“Because leaving her there with your parents after a fight felt childish.”
Claire almost smiled.
“That may be the first intelligent thing you’ve done since dinner.”
“I’ll take it.”
She heard him breathe out.
“Claire?”
“What?”
“Was Ethan scared of me?”
“Yes.”
Ryan did not answer immediately.
“Okay,” he said.
This time the word sounded different.
May you like
Not dismissal.
Something he would have to carry.
