Chương 12
“You really would have gone downstairs.”
“Yes.”
“To yell at her?”
“Probably.”
“That would have made you feel better.”
“Yes.”
“And me worse.”
He looked at Claire.
“Yes.”
She nodded.
“At least you know.”
He swallowed.
“I’m starting to.”
The nurse beside Micah checked the monitor once more.
Then she unclipped the sensor from his foot.
Claire immediately sat straighter.
“Why are you taking that off?”
“Because he’s been stable.”
“So he’s okay?”
“He’s doing very well.”
Claire’s eyes filled again.
She hated how easy tears came now.
The nurse lifted Micah carefully.
“Want your son?”
“Yes.”
The word broke.
Ethan stood with Nora and moved closer to Claire’s bed.
The nurse laid Micah against Claire’s chest on the opposite side from where Nora had been.
Claire looked down at him.
He opened one eye.
Only one.
His face scrunched as if the world had disappointed him already.
“Oh, buddy.”
She touched his cheek.
“You made a terrible entrance.”
Ethan gave a quiet laugh.
Micah settled.
Claire stared at him until the rest of the room disappeared.
Then she looked at Nora in Ethan’s arms.
“Bring her closer.”
Ethan stepped to the bedside.
For the first time, both babies were within Claire’s reach.
Nora slept against Ethan’s chest.
Micah’s tiny fist rested under Claire’s collarbone.
Ethan looked at them.
“They’re actually here.”
Claire nodded.
“Yeah.”
“I don’t know what to do with that.”
“Neither do I.”
They stayed like that for a while.
Nobody tried to make the moment meaningful.
A nurse changed an IV bag.
A machine beeped in the neighboring bay.
Someone dropped something metal in the hallway and muttered a curse.
Micah yawned.
Claire laughed.
“He has your mouth.”
Ethan looked offended.
“That is unfortunate.”
“He’ll survive.”
“Barely.”
The small joke slipped out naturally, and afterward both of them went quiet.
Claire felt the old version of their marriage hovering there.
Easy.
Familiar.
Dangerous.
She looked away.
Ethan saw it happen.
His face changed.
“I’m not going to pretend today didn’t happen.”
“Good.”
“I don’t expect you to.”
“Good.”
He nodded.
Claire shifted Micah carefully.
“Then stop trying to make me feel comfortable.”
“I’m not.”
“You are.”
He frowned.
“I’m trying not to make anything worse.”
“That’s not the same thing.”
He looked down at Nora.
“What do you want me to do?”
Claire almost snapped that he should know.
The words rose and stopped.
That was the old pattern too.
Expecting him to guess.
Punishing him when he guessed wrong.
She was too tired to perform marriage correctly.
“Listen.”
“I am.”
“No.”
Claire looked at him.
“Listen without preparing your answer.”
Ethan’s lips pressed together.
Then he nodded.
She looked at Micah instead of him.
“When I was on the floor, I wasn’t asking you to choose between me and your mother.”
Ethan said nothing.
“I was asking you to recognize that there was no choice.”
His eyes lowered.
“And you still treated it like there was.”
Claire took a breath.
The incision hurt when she breathed too deeply.
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to trust your judgment after that.”
Ethan remained silent.
She waited.
He did not defend himself.
That made it easier to continue.
“I kept thinking if I explained myself better, you’d understand.”
Claire brushed one finger over Micah’s tiny hand.
“I thought if I said hospital loudly enough, or twins, or something’s wrong, then eventually you’d become the person I needed.”
Ethan’s face reddened.
“But you heard me the first time.”
“Yes.”
“You just didn’t act.”
“Yes.”
Claire closed her eyes briefly.
“That is worse.”
“I know.”
She opened them.
“Stop saying that.”
His mouth closed.
Claire looked at him.
“You keep saying you know.”
Ethan nodded once.
“You don’t know yet.”
He swallowed.
“All right.”
“You can be sorry right now.”
“Yes.”
“You can hate yourself.”
His jaw tightened.
“You can promise me anything.”
She looked toward Nora.
“But I don’t know what happens the next time your mother decides my needs are inconvenient.”
Ethan looked at their daughter.
“There won’t be a next time.”
Claire almost laughed.
“There.”
“What?”
“That.”
He frowned.
“You just promised something you can’t guarantee.”
“I can guarantee what I do.”
“Can you?”
The question hit him.
Claire saw it.
Ethan looked away.
Nora stirred against him.
He adjusted her automatically.
“I thought I could.”
Claire waited.
He took a long breath.
“I thought I was managing my mother.”
Claire said nothing.
“I thought giving her small things kept her from making bigger problems.”
Claire looked at him.
“Small things.”
His face tightened.
“I know how that sounds.”
“Do you?”
“Yes.”
He looked toward the blue folder beside Claire.
“I kept telling myself it was easier to let her have what she wanted.”
“For whom?”
He stared at the folder.
“For me.”
There it was.
No explanation.
No excuse.
Just the ugly answer.
Claire felt something inside her loosen, not because she forgave him, but because he had finally stopped dressing selfishness in nicer clothes.
Ethan continued.
“When you and she fought, I made you be reasonable because I knew you would be.”
Claire looked at him.
His voice was low.
“I couldn’t make her reasonable.”
“So you made me smaller.”
“Yes.”
Claire’s eyes burned.
She looked down at Micah.
His fist had opened.
Five impossibly small fingers rested against her skin.
Ethan shifted Nora in his arms.
“I don’t know what repairing that looks like.”
Claire wiped beneath one eye.
“Neither do I.”
“I’m not asking you to decide today.”
“Good.”
“I’m not asking you to forgive me.”
“Good.”
“I’m going to keep saying the wrong things, apparently.”
Despite herself, Claire smiled.
“That seems likely.”
Ethan gave the smallest smile back.
The door opened.
Rachel returned.
This time Richard stood behind her.
Claire’s entire body stiffened.
Rachel noticed.
“He is not here as a visitor unless you approve it.”
Richard remained in the hallway.
His hands hung awkwardly at his sides.
Without the blazer, he looked strangely diminished.
May you like
Claire looked at Ethan.
He did not interfere.
