Chương 13
“I had told her we were struggling.”
“You let her believe more.”
“Yes.”
“Paul thinks you lived in the guest room.”
Evan frowned. “Paul?”
“Kendra heard from him.”
“I didn’t tell Paul.”
“Someone did.”
“Tessa may have—”
“No.”
He stopped.
Mara felt the shift between them. Small, but real. Evan had tried to place one more thing on Tessa and seen Mara refuse it.
“I told Dorian at work,” he said. “He probably told Paul.”
“Why Dorian?”
“He noticed I was taking personal calls.”
“You wanted cover.”
“I wanted one person to know.”
“One person knew a lie.”
“Yes.”
Mara took her first sip of coffee. It was bitter and cold.
Evan leaned forward. “I will tell everyone the truth.”
“What truth?”
“That we weren’t separated.”
“And?”
“That I had an affair.”
“You’ll call Paul?”
“If you want.”
“No. I want you to stop asking me to direct your conscience.”
He sat back.
Mara had rehearsed questions all weekend. Now only one remained, and it seemed too small.
“Did you ever plan to tell me before you moved out?”
Evan’s eyes filled, though no tears fell.
“I planned it every day.”
“That isn’t what I asked.”
His jaw tightened.
“No,” he said.
Mara nodded.
He reached across the table, stopping before his hand touched hers. “I don’t want a divorce.”
“You signed a lease.”
“I gave it up.”
“When?”
“Yesterday.”
“Because Tessa wouldn’t move in?”
“Because I don’t want it.”
“Those can both be true.”
He lowered his hand.
Mara stood.
“Can we try counseling?” he asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Will you consider it?”
“I’ll consider one meeting.”
Hope arrived on his face so quickly that Mara regretted the offer.
“This is not reconciliation,” she said.
“I understand.”
“No, you hear the word meeting and turn it into a door.”
“I won’t.”
“You already did.”
He looked down.
Mara buttoned her coat. “My lawyer will send an agreement about temporary expenses and the house. Scout stays with me.”
“Can I see him?”
“We can arrange it.”
“He’s my dog too.”
“I know.”
Evan almost smiled at her use of the phrase. The smile died before it formed.
“Mara.”
She waited.
“I am sorry about the airport.”
“Only the airport?”
“No.”
“Then don’t make it the whole story.”
Outside, the afternoon was warmer than she expected. Mara stood beside her car, keys in hand, and realized she had left the wrapped map leaning against the wall in the coffee shop.
When she went back inside, Evan was still at the table.
He had unfolded the notes on his phone and was staring at them without reading.
The counselor’s office contained two identical gray sofas and a bowl of polished stones on the coffee table. Mara disliked the stones immediately.
Dr. Levin was a compact woman with short black hair and red glasses. She did not ask whether Mara and Evan wanted to save the marriage. She asked what each of them believed had ended.
“Trust,” Mara said.
“Certainty,” Evan said.
Mara looked at him. “What does that mean?”
Dr. Levin raised one hand. “Let him answer without you helping.”
Evan rubbed his knees. “I believed I knew who we were, even when it was bad. Now I don’t.”
“You changed who we were,” Mara said.
“Yes.”
Dr. Levin turned to Mara. “And trust?”
“I don’t know which memories are mine anymore.”
Evan’s face tightened.
Mara continued, “He used our trip to Maine as evidence that I was fragile and that he was trapped. I thought we were happy. If I was wrong about that, what else was I wrong about?”
“You weren’t wrong about every moment,” Evan said.
“How would I know?”
“Because I was there.”
“You were also texting her.”
“Not every minute.”
Mara laughed without humor.
Dr. Levin said, “Evan, when you defend the percentage of time in which you were sincere, what are you trying to protect?”
He looked at the stones. “The fact that I loved her.”
“Why does she need to confirm that for you?”
He did not answer.
They met three times.
In the second session, Evan admitted that he had begun the affair partly because Tessa admired his willingness to leave a marriage he had not actually attempted to leave. In the third, Mara admitted that she had spent years treating Evan’s needs as optional whenever someone else’s emergency seemed more legitimate.
“I made him lonely,” she said.
Evan looked at her sharply.
Dr. Levin asked, “Did you make him have an affair?”
“No.”
Mara kept her eyes on the polished stones. “But I made the house lonely.”
Evan’s mouth trembled.
Mara hated that her honesty comforted him.
After the session, he followed her to the parking lot.
“Thank you,” he said.
“For what?”
“For saying that.”
“It wasn’t forgiveness.”
“I know.”
“There it is again.”
He put both hands into his coat pockets. “I don’t know how to talk to you without saying the wrong thing.”
“You lived with me for ten years.”
“I had a system.”
“What system?”
“I avoided whatever might make you angry until you forgot it.”
Mara stared at him.
Evan gave a tired half-smile. “It was not a good system.”
“No.”
“Do you still want another session?”
“I don’t think so.”
His smile disappeared.
The relief Mara felt was followed by grief so quickly that the two became difficult to separate.
“I believe you’re sorry,” she said. “I believe you loved me. I also believe you planned a life that required me not to know what was happening until you were ready to leave. I can’t build anything on that.”
“We could start again.”
“You didn’t start again with Tessa. You used pieces of us and changed the labels.”
“That isn’t fair.”
“There you are.”
Evan turned away. Cars moved through the lot behind him.
After a moment, he said, “I don’t want to be the worst thing I did.”
“I don’t want that either.”
May you like
He looked back.
“But I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life proving you’re better than it.”
