Chương 8
Because the fees were high.
Because practices were inconvenient.
Because every time Daniel walked into the gym after Emily died, he could still picture her sitting on the bleachers with a blanket across her knees.
Margaret said, “Emily told Vanessa that gymnastics was one of the few things Lily had that belonged to her future instead of her mother’s illness.”
Daniel sat.
He felt suddenly tired.
“Why didn’t anyone tell me?”
“I thought Vanessa had.”
“She didn’t.”
Margaret looked toward the hallway again.
“She kept the promise.”
Daniel thought of the practices.
The meets.
The driving.
The packed snacks.
The tights washed late at night.
Vanessa had kept the promise.
Then resented the promise.
Both were true.
When Vanessa returned carrying clothes, Daniel helped her take the first suitcase to the car.
Neither of them spoke until the trunk was open.
Then Vanessa said, “I’m not apologizing while you’re looking at me like that.”
Daniel set the suitcase down.
“Like what?”
“Like I’m a monster.”
“I don’t think you’re a monster.”
“Could have fooled me.”
“I think you hurt my daughter.”
Vanessa looked across the driveway.
A sprinkler clicked somewhere down the block.
“I did.”
Daniel waited.
Vanessa rubbed her lips together.
“I don’t know how to fix that.”
“You don’t get to decide that yet.”
She nodded once.
It was the first thing she accepted without argument.
Daniel closed the trunk.
Vanessa rested one hand on the car.
“Did Mom tell you?”
“About Emily?”
Her face changed.
“Yes.”
“She did.”
Vanessa looked down.
“I was angry when she asked.”
“Why?”
“Because she knew.”
“Knew what?”
“That you’d need me.”
Daniel leaned against the car.
Vanessa gave a tired laugh.
“Emily always knew who would clean up after everyone.”
“That’s not fair.”
“No.”
She looked at him.
“But it isn’t completely false.”
Daniel said nothing.
Vanessa continued.
“I loved her. I hated her sometimes. Near the end, especially.”
Daniel’s first instinct was anger.
Then memory arrived.
Emily in pain.
Emily refusing help.
Emily apologizing for needing help and then criticizing how the help was given.
Illness had not made her saintly.
Death had polished some of that away.
Vanessa said, “She asked me to promise things she knew she wouldn’t have to do herself.”
“She was dying.”
“I know.”
Her voice cracked.
“I know.”
Daniel looked toward the house.
Neither spoke for a while.
Finally he said, “You still don’t get to take that out on Lily.”
Vanessa nodded.
“I know that too.”
She got into the car.
Margaret followed a few minutes later.
Daniel stood in the driveway until they turned the corner.
That evening he picked Lily up from the gym.
She climbed into the car and immediately asked, “Did she come?”
“Yes.”
“Did she yell?”
“No.”
“Did you?”
“No.”
Lily buckled her seat belt.
“Was Grandma there?”
“Yes.”
She looked out the passenger window.
“Did Aunt Vanessa take everything?”
“Most of it.”
“Is she coming back?”
Daniel started the engine.
“Not to live.”
Lily went very still.
Daniel waited.
After several seconds she said, “Ever?”
“Not unless you and I decide it’s okay.”
She picked at a loose thread on her gym bag.
“What if she has nowhere?”
“She’s staying with Grandma.”
“What if Grandma gets annoyed?”
Daniel almost laughed.
“That is a real possibility.”
Lily looked at him.
He smiled.
She smiled back.
Then her face tightened.
“I made her lose her room.”
Daniel shut off the engine again.
“You didn’t.”
“If I didn’t tell you—”
“She cut your trophy ribbon before you said anything.”
Lily looked down.
“Aunt Vanessa is responsible for what she did.”
“But you made her leave because of me.”
“I made her leave because I’m your dad.”
Lily’s eyes filled.
Daniel reached across the console.
She put her hand in his.
He squeezed once.
“I should have noticed sooner.”
Lily said nothing.
“I’m sorry.”
She stared at their hands.
“You say sorry a lot now.”
Daniel laughed quietly.
“Yeah.”
“Did you do something wrong?”
“Yes.”
That seemed to surprise her.
“What?”
“I wasn’t paying enough attention.”
Lily thought about it.
“You were working.”
“I was.”
“You had to.”
“Some of it.”
“Aunt Vanessa said your job pays for gymnastics.”
Daniel looked at her.
“That sounds like something she would say.”
“Does it?”
“Yes.”
Lily waited.
Daniel said, “My job pays for gymnastics. My job does not get to make every decision in our life.”
She looked toward the gym entrance where girls were still coming out with parents.
“What if your boss gets mad?”
Daniel thought about Mark.
“He might.”
“Then what?”
“I deal with it.”
Lily nodded.
Adults said things like that as though dealing with something were an event rather than a long series of uncomfortable choices.
Over the next three weeks, Daniel learned what those choices looked like.
He found an after-school program two days a week.
He rearranged meetings on practice days.
Margaret took one Thursday pickup, after asking Lily directly whether she wanted her to.
Rachel introduced Daniel to another gymnastics father, Luis, who was willing to alternate Saturday transportation because his daughter Madison attended the same level.
Daniel canceled Chicago.
Mark reassigned part of the Easton account.
There was no dramatic confrontation.
No one fired him.
No music played.
He simply discovered one morning that he was no longer invited to a strategy meeting he had expected to lead.
He stared at the calendar invitation for nearly a minute.
Then he went into the office kitchen and made coffee.
Mark found him there.
“You saw?”
“Yes.”
“I had to give them consistency.”
“I understand.”
Mark leaned against the counter.
“You’re angry.”
“Yes.”
“You told me you understood.”
“I can do both.”
Mark gave him a tired look.
“Fair.”
Daniel stirred sugar into coffee he usually drank black.
Mark said, “You still have a future here.”
“That sounds ominous.”
“It wasn’t meant to.”
“It did.”
Mark laughed.
Daniel did not.
May you like
Then, unexpectedly, Mark said, “My son stopped playing baseball when he was twelve.”
Daniel looked at him.
