Chương 11
She told him when Lucas changed his mind.
Daniel discovered that full information did not produce immediate peace.
It produced more complicated jealousy.
Not romantic jealousy.
Historical jealousy.
He resented Mark for having known Claire when she was twenty-four.
He resented Emma for knowing a version of Claire he would never meet.
He resented Lucas for being able to hurt Claire with a six-word text.
Then he resented himself for resenting children.
He told Elaine.
She said, “That sounds human.”
He disliked her less after that.
Claire had ugly moments too.
When Daniel questioned where she was going, she sometimes snapped.
“I told you where I’m going.”
“You lied for nine years.”
“I cannot redo nine years every time I leave the house.”
“No, but I’m not required to trust a calendar entry because you typed it.”
Once Claire slammed a cabinet.
Daniel flinched.
She apologized.
He said he hated being apologized to every six minutes.
She told him he made it impossible not to.
They slept in separate rooms.
They attended Daniel’s niece’s birthday party together and spent the entire drive home arguing about whether Claire had seemed “too cheerful.”
“What was I supposed to do?” she demanded. “Sit beside the cake looking like a Victorian widow?”
“You could have acknowledged we’re having problems.”
“To your brother’s four-year-old?”
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
“No, actually, I don’t.”
Then they both started laughing because the argument had become absurd.
Five minutes later Daniel cried in the passenger seat.
Not dramatically.
He turned toward the window and covered his mouth.
Claire kept driving.
She did not touch him.
That restraint mattered.
In November, Emma asked Claire to attend a school concert.
Lucas objected.
Mark said the siblings needed to work it out.
Claire told Daniel she planned to decline.
“Why?” he asked.
“Lucas doesn’t want me there.”
“Emma does.”
“I don’t want to cause a fight.”
Daniel folded a grocery receipt into smaller and smaller squares.
“Is that your reason?”
Claire looked at him.
“What else would it be?”
“You’re afraid.”
“Of course I’m afraid.”
“That’s different from protecting Lucas.”
She stared.
Daniel put down the receipt.
“You did this before.”
“Did what?”
“Made fear sound generous.”
Claire’s face hardened.
“That’s easy for you to say.”
“Probably.”
“You didn’t stand outside a courthouse while a lawyer explained why your kids were better off calling somebody else Mom.”
“No.”
“You didn’t sign adoption papers.”
“No.”
“You didn’t spend twelve years wondering whether contacting them would help them or just make you feel better.”
“No.”
“So don’t reduce this to fear.”
Daniel let the anger settle before answering.
“I’m not reducing it. I’m saying fear is part of it.”
Claire looked away.
The refrigerator clicked.
A bus sighed to a stop outside on the wet street.
Daniel unfolded the receipt he had mangled.
“Ask Lucas.”
“I did.”
“What exactly?”
“If he was okay with me going.”
“And what did he say?”
“Whatever.”
Daniel looked at her.
“That is the most fifteen-year-old answer available.”
“I know.”
“Ask what he means.”
“He’ll hate that.”
“Probably.”
Claire sighed.
“You’re enjoying this.”
“A little.”
She gave him a tired look.
“Bad person.”
“Apparently.”
Claire went to the concert.
Lucas ignored her for the first forty minutes.
Then, during intermission, he walked over and handed her a program because she had forgotten to take one.
He did not speak.
Claire brought the program home and placed it in a drawer.
Daniel noticed.
He did not ask why she kept it.
Some things did not need interrogation.
December brought the first real crisis in their attempt to stay married.
Daniel found a transfer from their joint account for twelve thousand dollars.
The recipient was a law firm.
He stared at the bank statement.
His body reacted before his mind did.
Cold hands.
Tight chest.
The old feeling.
Hidden life.
He called Claire.
“Where are you?”
“At work.”
“What’s the twelve thousand?”
Silence.
There it was again.
Daniel closed his eyes.
“Claire.”
“I was going to tell you tonight.”
“No.”
“I know.”
“No. You do not get that sentence anymore.”
“I paid an attorney.”
“For what?”
“Emma.”
Daniel gripped the counter.
“What happened?”
“Nothing happened.”
“Then why an attorney?”
“Mark is considering moving to Denver.”
Daniel stared.
“What?”
“He got a job offer.”
“And?”
“Emma doesn’t want to go.”
“So you hired a lawyer.”
“I wanted to understand whether I have any legal standing.”
Daniel felt anger rising so fast it frightened him.
“You took twelve thousand dollars from our account.”
“I transferred it to a retainer.”
“Without asking me.”
“Yes.”
“You did this again.”
“I was going to tell you.”
“After.”
“Yes.”
“After is not telling me. After is informing me.”
Claire inhaled sharply.
“I panicked.”
“And used my money.”
“Our money.”
Daniel went silent.
The correction was technically fair.
It also made him furious.
“That’s what you want to argue?”
“No.”
“Do you have legal standing?”
“Probably not. Rachel’s adoption terminated my parental rights.”
“So you spent twelve thousand dollars to learn something you already knew.”
“I wanted options.”
“With my money.”
“Our—”
Claire stopped.
Daniel laughed once.
“Finish it.”
“No.”
“Come home.”
“I have a meeting.”
“I don’t care.”
“I do.”
“Of course you do.”
He ended the call.
Then immediately hated that he had demanded she leave work as though marriage gave him authority over her employment.
He called back.
Claire answered.
“What?”
“Don’t come home.”
Silence.
“I mean don’t leave work because I ordered you to. That was wrong.”
Another silence.
“Okay.”
“But we are talking tonight.”
“Yes.”
“Bring the retainer agreement.”
“I will.”
That night, Daniel put the agreement on the table between them.
“What do you want?”
Claire’s answer was immediate.
“I don’t want Emma moved away.”
“That is not your decision.”
“I know.”
“Then what do you want?”
“I want to matter.”
Daniel stared.
Claire’s eyes filled but did not spill.
“I know that sounds selfish.”
“It is selfish.”
“Yes.”
“Keep going.”
May you like
She breathed out.
“I lost the right to make decisions for them. I signed that away. Rachel earned the right to be their mother. I understand all of that.”
