Chương 8
“Live somewhere else.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“I know.”
He almost smiled at the irony.
Claire did too.
Neither of them enjoyed it.
“Figure out why being left scares you enough that you’re willing to make somebody else’s choices for them,” she said.
Daniel looked toward the window.
“I can do that.”
“Do it for yourself.”
He nodded.
Then he removed his wedding ring.
Claire’s stomach tightened.
Daniel placed it on the table between them.
She stared at it.
“I’m not asking you to take it off.”
“I know.”
“Then why?”
“I don’t know what it means right now.”
Claire looked at her own ring.
After a moment she removed it too.
Not as a performance this time.
Because he was right.
She placed hers beside his.
Two circles of metal on a scratched café table.
Neither of them touched them for a while.
Finally Daniel took his ring back.
Claire did the same.
She put hers in her pocket.
A week later, Claire met Megan at a playground.
It had been Megan’s suggestion.
Neutral place, she wrote.
Noah would be with Richard for the afternoon.
Claire almost canceled when she learned that.
Then she realized she had been hoping Noah would be there because his presence made it harder to be cruel.
She went anyway.
Megan sat on a bench with two coffees.
Claire took one.
“You remembered.”
“Black, no sugar.”
“You remember that but somehow forgot to mention my brother.”
Megan flinched.
Claire sat.
Children shouted near the climbing structure.
A little girl in purple shoes chased a pigeon with determined malice.
For a while neither woman spoke.
Then Megan said, “I’m sorry.”
Claire stared at the playground.
“That is not enough.”
“I know.”
“But it’s probably where you have to start.”
Megan nodded.
Claire took a drink.
The coffee was too hot.
“When did you stop being my friend?”
Megan turned toward her.
“I didn’t.”
“You had a child with my father.”
“Yes.”
“You let me send you baby clothes.”
Megan’s eyes filled.
“Yes.”
“You let me visit him when he was two months old.”
“Yes.”
“I held my brother.”
Megan pressed her lips together.
Claire remembered that afternoon.
Noah sleeping against her chest.
Richard had not been there.
Megan had told Claire the father was “complicated.”
Claire had assumed married man.
She had not imagined her own.
“You watched me hold him,” Claire said.
“Yes.”
“What did you feel?”
Megan looked down at her hands.
“Terrified.”
“Not guilty?”
“That too.”
“Which more?”
“Terrified.”
The honesty surprised Claire.
Megan continued.
“I thought you would look at him and know.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“I know.”
“Babies look like potatoes.”
Megan laughed unexpectedly.
It turned into a sob she covered quickly.
Claire looked away to give her room.
After a moment Megan said, “He had Richard’s ears.”
Claire groaned.
“Oh, God.”
“You didn’t notice.”
“Why would I?”
“I noticed every second.”
Claire leaned back.
The anger remained, but something had shifted.
Not softened.
Become more detailed.
That was different.
“Tell me about Mom.”
Megan’s face changed.
“What do you want to know?”
“Not the version in the letter. You.”
Megan stared at the children.
“I thought she’d hate me.”
“Reasonably.”
“Yes.”
“She did for a while.”
Claire waited.
“She called me a coward.”
“Also reasonably.”
“Yes.”
“She asked if I loved Richard.”
“Did you?”
Megan looked at Claire.
“Yes.”
The answer hurt despite everything Claire already knew.
“Do you now?”
“Yes.”
Claire breathed out slowly.
“Are you together?”
Megan shook her head.
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because we were terrible at it.”
Claire frowned.
Megan rubbed her thumb across the coffee lid.
“After your mother died, Richard thought we should become a family immediately. Like if we did it fast enough, it would make the circumstances respectable. I moved in for four months.”
Claire had not known that either.
“Where was I?”
“Georgia. Then Germany.”
Claire remembered those years as deployments, moves, phone calls, holiday photographs.
Richard had always seemed lonely.
Apparently he had not been.
“It was awful,” Megan said. “He was grieving Eleanor. I was grieving her too, which I didn’t think I had the right to do. Noah barely slept. Richard wanted to fix everything. I wanted him to stop touching anything. We fought.”
“So you left.”
“Yes.”
“But he stayed Noah’s father.”
“Every day.”
Claire looked at her.
“He’s good with him.”
“He is.”
That complicated things.
Claire wished it didn’t.
“Why did you stop calling me?”
Megan’s answer came quietly.
“Because every time I heard your voice, I lied.”
“You could have stopped lying.”
“I could have.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“Because I was ashamed.”
Claire waited.
Megan looked directly at her.
“And because I was afraid you would take Richard away from Noah.”
Claire’s anger rose so quickly she nearly stood.
“I am not in charge of my father.”
“I know that now.”
“You thought I would what? Tell him he couldn’t see his son?”
“I thought he would choose you.”
Claire stared.
Megan’s expression did not change.
“I thought if you said, It’s him or me, he would choose you. And I thought I had already done enough damage to Noah’s life.”
Claire’s voice went cold.
“So you took away my chance to prove you wrong.”
“Yes.”
That stopped her.
Megan wiped her cheek.
“I kept telling myself I was protecting Noah. Mostly I was protecting myself from finding out what you would do.”
Claire looked at the playground again.
There it was.
The same disease in a different body.
Eleanor protecting Claire.
Richard protecting Eleanor’s promise.
Daniel protecting the wedding.
Megan protecting Noah.
Each person had renamed fear as protection and then expected the name to make the behavior noble.
Claire finished half her coffee.
“Do you know what I hate most?”
Megan shook her head.
“You all have explanations.”
“I can stop explaining.”
“No. I need the explanations.”
Megan waited.
Claire looked at her.
“I just need you to understand they aren’t forgiveness.”
“I do.”
Claire believed her.
May you like
That was inconvenient too.
Two weeks after the wedding, Claire met Noah without either Richard or Megan in the same room.
