Chương 4
Claire let out a breath that almost became a laugh.
“At least you know me.”
“I know what I taught you to expect from me.”
That was the first thing he said all night that made her unable to answer.
Richard looked at the black envelope.
“I put my name on Noah’s birth certificate after he was born.”
Claire’s eyes snapped to his.
“You’ve been his legal father this whole time?”
“Yes.”
“And nobody thought that could become public?”
“We didn’t hide it from the government. We hid it from you.”
The distinction was so awful in its precision that Claire believed him.
“Does everyone else know?”
“No. A few people.”
“Who?”
“Megan’s sister. Your mother’s attorney knew there was a letter, not the details. Two close friends. That’s about it.”
Claire looked across the emptying room.
Her father’s Army friends.
Her aunts.
Her mother’s cousins.
People she had known her whole life.
“Which two?”
Richard told her.
One was dead.
The other had hugged Claire before the ceremony and said Eleanor would have been proud.
Claire rubbed her thumb against the seam of her dress.
“Why wedding day?”
Richard looked toward the cream envelope.
“Read the letter.”
“No.”
“Claire—”
“No. You don’t get to make her speak for you because she’s dead.”
His face changed.
She saw pain, but she was too angry to tend it.
“Tell me what you know.”
Richard nodded.
“Your mother thought you would come home if she told you how bad things were between us. Then when she got sick, she thought you would request reassignment or leave the Army.”
“I was a grown woman.”
“I know.”
“She didn’t.”
Richard did not argue.
“She believed if you were married someday, if you had someone you’d chosen, then…” He stopped.
“Then what?”
“She said you’d have your own family to stand in.”
Claire stared at him.
“That is unbelievably manipulative.”
“Yes.”
The answer came without hesitation.
It surprised her.
Richard looked at the letter.
“She was dying. She was afraid. She was angry at me, angry at Megan, angry at herself for not telling you sooner. She came up with a rule because rules made her feel like she still had some control.”
Claire remembered her mother color-coding medication schedules while vomiting into a plastic basin.
That sounded like Eleanor.
It did not make the decision less wrong.
“Why did you obey her after she died?”
Richard’s mouth opened.
Nothing came out.
Claire nodded.
“That’s what I thought.”
The boat shifted slightly as it turned toward the dock.
Richard held out the letter and velvet box again.
This time Claire took them.
Not because she forgave him.
Because she was tired of other people holding things that belonged to her.
She put both objects into the small bridal bag someone had left on a nearby chair.
The black DNA envelope remained in Richard’s hand.
“Keep that.”
“I have copies.”
“Of course you do.”
“Claire.”
She looked at him.
Richard’s eyes were wet now, though no tears fell.
“I love him.”
“Noah?”
“Yes.”
“You should.”
“I’m not asking permission.”
“Good.”
“I’m telling you because whatever you decide about me, I won’t treat him like something shameful.”
Claire felt anger rise again, sharp enough to make her voice colder.
“Do not use me as a reason to protect yourself from abandoning your son. I haven’t asked you to choose.”
“I know.”
“And I never will.”
Richard nodded.
“He didn’t do anything.”
“I know.”
“Make sure Megan knows that too.”
“I will.”
Claire looked toward the stairwell.
“Is he okay?”
“No.”
The simple answer landed harder than reassurance would have.
“He heard the slap,” Richard said. “He thinks you hate him.”
Claire looked at the floor.
The first consequence of her anger belonged to the one person who had created none of the problem.
She picked up her bag.
“I’ll fix that part.”
Richard’s voice went rough.
“You don’t have to tonight.”
“Yes,” Claire said. “I do.”
Megan and Noah were sitting in a small lounge on the upper deck.
The music from downstairs had stopped.
Without it, the boat sounded like machinery and water again.
Noah sat on a blue upholstered bench with his knees together. His bow tie had been removed and rested beside him.
Megan stood when Claire entered.
Claire raised one hand.
“Sit.”
Megan did.
Noah looked at Claire’s wedding dress and then at her face.
He seemed smaller than he had downstairs.
Claire stopped several feet away.
She did not know how to talk to children when she was angry. Adults were easier. Adults had responsibilities.
Noah had a paper napkin folded into smaller and smaller squares between his fingers.
Claire lowered herself into the chair opposite him.
Her dress made the movement awkward.
For some reason that helped.
“Noah.”
He did not look up.
She waited.
Eventually he said, “I wasn’t supposed to say Dad.”
Megan closed her eyes.
Claire looked at her.
“Please don’t correct him right now.”
Megan nodded.
Claire returned her attention to Noah.
“You’re allowed to call your father Dad.”
His eyes lifted.
“But everybody got mad.”
“The adults got mad because the adults made bad decisions.”
“Grandpa Richard said—”
“He’s your dad.”
Noah frowned.
Claire almost smiled despite herself.
“Yes. That’s confusing.”
“He said you call him Dad too.”
“I do.”
“Can two people?”
Claire breathed through the ache in her chest.
“Apparently.”
Noah considered this.
“Are you mad at me?”
“No.”
“Because you hit him.”
“I was angry at him. I should not have hit him.”
Noah looked toward the door as if Richard might be listening.
Claire continued.
“You didn’t cause that. You said something true.”
Megan’s mouth trembled.
Claire ignored her.
Noah unfolded the napkin once.
“Mom said secrets can hurt people.”
Megan stared at the floor.
Claire said, “Your mom is right.”
“Then why did we have one?”
There it was.
The question none of the adults had managed to ask without defending themselves.
May you like
Claire looked at Megan.
Megan had gone pale again.
