Chương 12
“I’d come home and you’d be exhausted.”
“Yes.”
“You’d ask me something practical before I’d even put my bag down.”
“Yes.”
“I’d get irritated.”
“Yes.”
“You’d hear the irritation and shut down.”
I looked away.
That part was true.
“I’d tell myself we’d talk on the weekend.”
“And then you worked.”
“Yes.”
“Or we had Lucy.”
“Yes.”
“Or your mother needed something.”
“Yes.”
His mouth twisted.
“Or the dishwasher broke.”
Despite myself, I said, “That dishwasher was a piece of garbage.”
A tiny laugh escaped him.
It died almost immediately.
We sat there with the remains of a joke from our marriage between us.
For one second, I remembered standing in this same kitchen two years earlier while Caleb lay under that dishwasher swearing at a hose clamp.
I had handed him the wrong screwdriver three times on purpose because he was being obnoxious.
He had eventually pulled me down onto the floor and kissed me while water leaked into a towel.
The memory hurt because it belonged to us.
Not the us I was angry enough to deny.
The real one.
Flawed before Rebecca.
Alive before Rebecca.
I looked at the clock.
We had forty-five minutes before I needed to leave for school pickup.
“Did you love her?”
Caleb’s expression changed.
“I don’t know.”
“Did you tell her you did?”
“No.”
“Did she tell you?”
“Not now.”
I thought of the message.
I loved you once.
“Did you want her to?”
“Yes.”
He did not make me drag that one out.
I looked down at my wedding ring.
“Did you still love me?”
His face broke in a quieter way.
“Yes.”
I looked up sharply.
“I know that sounds impossible.”
“It sounds convenient.”
“I know.”
“Stop saying you know.”
He nodded.
“Okay.”
I stood and walked to the sink.
There was one coffee spoon beside the faucet.
I picked it up and put it in the dishwasher.
I did not know why.
Then I opened the refrigerator and stared inside.
Milk.
Eggs.
Half a container of strawberries.
The soup Lucy had made me pack for him yesterday was on the second shelf.
Still untouched.
I closed the door.
“Were you going to leave yesterday if Rebecca said yes?”
Caleb did not answer.
I turned.
“Were you?”
His face gave me the truth before his mouth did.
“I think so.”
The words passed through me strangely.
No explosion.
No tears.
Just clarity.
“And if she said no?”
“I don’t know.”
I nodded.
“That’s the whole marriage, isn’t it?”
“What?”
“You were waiting for someone else to make the hard part certain.”
“That’s not—”
He stopped.
He knew better than to finish.
I walked back to the table.
“You didn’t choose me.”
His eyes filled again.
“I stayed.”
“That is not the same thing.”
“I know.”
I stared at him.
He caught himself too late.
“Sorry.”
For the first time all day, I almost smiled.
Then my phone buzzed.
A reminder for kindergarten pickup.
The sound sliced through everything.
Caleb looked at the screen.
“I can get her.”
“No.”
“Margot.”
“I said no.”
His face tightened.
“I’m her father.”
“I know.”
“Then don’t use her to punish me.”
The accusation hit hard because I had been waiting for it.
“I’m not.”
“It feels like it.”
“I need one afternoon where I don’t have to watch you perform normal in front of her.”
He stood.
“I’m not performing.”
“You did yesterday.”
“That’s unfair.”
“So is finding out you were preparing to leave me from screenshots.”
His shoulders dropped.
I grabbed my keys.
“Where are you taking her?”
“Anna’s.”
“For how long?”
“I don’t know.”
“Tonight?”
“Yes.”
He looked toward the stairs as though Lucy might still somehow be up there.
“I want to see her.”
“You will.”
“When?”
“Tomorrow.”
“Can I call tonight?”
I hesitated.
Caleb saw it and looked genuinely frightened.
“Yes.”
Relief crossed his face.
“Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me for letting you speak to your child.”
I picked up my purse.
He followed me to the front door.
“Margot.”
I stopped.
“I’m going to end things with Rebecca.”
I looked back at him.
“Why?”
He seemed startled.
“Because this was wrong.”
“No.”
I shook my head.
“Why now?”
“Because I don’t want to lose you.”
The answer should have mattered.
Once, it would have mattered more than anything.
Instead I heard the structure beneath it.
Another fear.
Another landing.
Another person deciding which life he got to keep.
“I don’t want you to end it for me.”
His face changed.
“What?”
“If you end it because you think it buys me back, then you still haven’t made a decision.”
“I am making one.”
“Are you?”
“Yes.”
“Then make one when I’m not standing here.”
He stared at me.
“Make one when Rebecca isn’t promising you anything and I’m not promising you anything.”
His mouth opened.
I shook my head.
“For once, Caleb, decide who you are without asking a woman to guarantee the outcome.”
I left before he could answer.
At school, Lucy ran toward me holding a paper crown covered in silver stickers.
“I was line leader.”
“That is a serious promotion.”
“I didn’t even push anybody.”
“Excellent leadership.”
She climbed into the car.
“Is Daddy home?”
“Yes.”
“Are we going there?”
“Not tonight.”
She frowned.
“Why?”
“We’re sleeping at Aunt Anna’s.”
Her face brightened instantly.
“With the bunk beds?”
“Yes.”
“Can I have the top?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because I enjoy keeping you alive.”
She groaned dramatically and began telling me about a boy named Mason who had put glue on his elbow.
I drove while she talked.
At a red light, my phone buzzed in the cup holder.
Caleb.
For one second, I wanted to read it.
Instead I turned the phone face down.
Lucy was explaining, with great seriousness, why glue on elbows was different from glue on knees.
I listened.
May you like
For the first time since yesterday, I let the rest of my life wait.
At Anna’s house, Lucy claimed the lower bunk only after negotiating for the right to sleep with three stuffed animals, two pillows, and a flashlight she was forbidden to turn on after bedtime.
