Chương 4
Different words.
Someone had replaced it.
I kept reading.
Rachel wrote about finding out she was pregnant.
She wrote about wanting to tell me in person.
She wrote about being afraid I would see her as a problem instead of a partner.
She wrote about loving me even while being angry at me.
I had never seen those words.
Not once.
At the bottom of the page was her signature.
My eyes stayed there.
“I don’t understand.”
Rachel leaned back.
“Neither do I.”
“Who had access to this?”
She hesitated.
That hesitation bothered me.
“Rachel.”
She looked toward the girls.
“My sister.”
The answer surprised me.
“Claire?”
Rachel nodded.
“Why would Claire do this?”
Rachel did not answer immediately.
The silence was longer than it should have been.
Then she said something that changed the room again.
“Because she thought she was protecting me.”
I frowned.
“From what?”
Rachel looked at me.
“From you.”
I felt anger rise.
“Why?”
“She thought you were going to leave anyway.”
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“She saw us fighting.”
“Everyone saw us fighting.”
“She saw more than that.”
I stood up.
“What does that mean?”
Rachel rubbed her forehead.
“It means my sister was convinced you were already halfway out the door.”
“That’s not true.”
“I know that now.”
The word now bothered me.
“You didn’t know then?”
Rachel looked down.
“I was hurt.”
The honesty stopped my anger for a moment.
“I thought maybe she was right.”
I stared at her.
“You believed I would leave?”
“I believed you were tired.”
I looked away.
Because there had been moments when I was tired.
Moments when I wondered if we were making each other unhappy.
But I had never wanted to abandon her.
“I would have stayed.”
Rachel whispered.
“I know.”
The sadness in her voice was worse than blame.
“Do you?”
She looked at me.
“Because I spent four years wondering if I imagined the person who promised me that.”
I had no answer.
The girls started arguing quietly over a coloring pencil.
Rachel got up and separated them with the ease of someone who had done it thousands of times.
“Lily, let your sister finish.”
“She took my blue.”
“Because she likes blue.”
“She always takes my blue.”
“Then maybe stop leaving your blue where she can reach it.”
The conversation was so ordinary that it almost felt cruel.
There were children in the room.
There was a past I did not understand.
There was a wedding I was supposed to attend in less than a week.
And Rachel was standing there negotiating over a coloring pencil.
My phone buzzed again.
This time I looked.
It was Noelle.
I stared at her name.
Rachel noticed.
“You should answer.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“That has never stopped you before.”
The old sarcasm was back for a second.
I looked at her.
“You’re still doing that.”
“Doing what?”
“Pretending things don’t hurt by making jokes.”
Rachel looked down.
“Maybe.”
I answered the phone.
“Hello?”
Noelle did not speak immediately.
I could hear traffic behind her.
A car horn.
Someone walking past her apartment door.
The small sounds of a person trying very hard not to fall apart.
“Are you still with her?”
The question was simple.
The answer was not.
“I’m at her apartment.”
Silence.
Then a quiet breath.
“I know.”
I frowned.
“How?”
“Your location is still shared with me.”
I looked down at my phone.
I had forgotten about that.
Another reminder that the life I had built with Noelle was real.
Not imaginary.
Not something I could put aside while I searched through the ruins of my past.
“I’m sorry.”
She laughed softly.
Again, no humor.
“You keep saying that.”
“Because I am.”
“I know you are.”
The way she said it hurt more than anger.
Noelle had always been good at seeing the difference between someone feeling guilty and someone taking responsibility.
“I don’t know what happened,” I said.
“I believe that.”
“You do?”
“Yes.”
I sat down slowly.
“Then why does it sound like you’re leaving?”
Noelle was quiet.
“Because I don’t know if I can stay.”
I closed my eyes.
The words landed exactly where I expected them to.
Still, they hurt.
“I love you.”
“I know.”
“Do you?”
“Yes.”
That answer surprised me.
Noelle continued.
“That’s what makes this worse.”
I looked toward Rachel.
She was standing near the table with her back turned, pretending not to listen.
“She’s not the problem, Evan.”
I lowered my voice.
“Then what is?”
“You.”
I swallowed.
Noelle did not say it cruelly.
She said it like someone who had spent the last hour trying to understand something impossible.
“You built an entire future with me while carrying a door you never opened.”
“That’s not fair.”
“No.”
Her voice tightened.
“It isn’t.”
A pause.
“But neither is finding out six days before our wedding that the man I’m about to marry might have three children he never knew existed.”
I had no response.
Because every defense sounded selfish.
Noelle exhaled.
“I need time.”
“How much?”
“I don’t know.”
The uncertainty scared me more than a definite answer.
“Please don’t disappear.”
Another silence.
Then she said something I would remember.
“I’m not the one who disappeared first.”
The call ended.
I sat there holding the phone.
Rachel placed a glass of water on the table.
“You should go after her.”
I looked up.
“Are you telling me that?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
Rachel leaned against the counter.
“Because she deserves to know what kind of person she’s dealing with.”
The sentence surprised me.
“You think I’m a bad person?”
“No.”
She looked at the girls.
“I think you’re someone who spent four years avoiding pain.”
I wanted to argue.
I could not.
Rachel walked to the window.
“You know what the worst part was?”
I waited.
“I was angry at you for leaving.”
Her fingers rested against the glass.
May you like
“But after a while, I started wondering if I deserved it.”
My chest tightened.
