Chương 4
Ethan took the phone from my hand before I could stop him.He read the message again, more slowly this time.Marissa did not object.She stood with her arms folded tightly across her stomach, watching him reach the sentence that had been bothering me.If you tell Claire, you will destroy her marriage too.Ethan looked up.“What does that mean?”“I don’t know,” Marissa said.“You never asked him?”“I was twenty-two, pregnant, scared, and being told by a man twice as good at lying as I was at detecting lies that I could ruin somebody’s life.”“He wasn’t twice your age.”“That was not the important part of that sentence.”Ethan handed the phone back to her.For once, he did not argue.I looked toward Lily.She was sitting on the edge of the dance floor with Nora, carefully eating around the frosting flowers on her cake because she disliked the sugary ones.The sight steadied me.Whatever Daniel had done seven years ago, it had not changed the fact that Lily was laughing with blue icing on her thumb.Secrets became enormous when adults stood too close to them.Children could reduce the world again.“Where is Daniel now?” I asked.Ethan’s mouth tightened.“Atlanta.”“You’re sure?”“He moved there three years ago.”“Still with Meredith?”“Yes.”Marissa looked between us.“Who’s Meredith?”“His wife,” Ethan said.Marissa went very still.“The real one?”“Yes.”“When did they get married?”“Five years ago.”Her face twisted.“So he lied to her too.”“We don’t know that.”“He told me he was married before he ever met her.”“You don’t know when they met.”“I know enough.”Ethan rubbed the back of his neck.The gesture was so familiar that it irritated me.He used to do it when bills arrived that he had forgotten to pay.“What exactly are you suggesting?” he asked me.“I’m not suggesting anything yet.”“You’re looking at me like you are.”“I’m looking at you because Daniel is your cousin.”“He’s your daughter’s biological father.”“Yes.”The words came out flatter than I expected.Ethan flinched anyway.I had never said them to him before.Perhaps hearing them made the relationship real in a way photographs and emails had not.He glanced toward Lily.“She looks like him.”I hated that immediately.“No.”“She does.”“She looks like herself.”“Claire.”“Do not start identifying pieces of her like she’s evidence.”His expression changed.“I didn’t mean it that way.”“I know.”That surprised both of us.I did know.It did not make me like hearing it.Marissa looked toward Lily too.“She has his eyes.”I turned on her.“Enough.”She nodded at once.“Sorry.”The band began calling guests toward the tent for dinner.The normal machinery of the wedding resumed around us with determined cheerfulness.People collected purses from chairs.A man in suspenders chased a toddler away from the cake table.The coordinator returned and informed Ethan that his brother wanted him at the head table immediately.This time Ethan listened.He looked at me.“We are not done.”“No.”“After dinner.”I almost told him he did not get to schedule me.Then I saw the groom watching us from across the lawn.His wedding had already absorbed enough of our disaster.“After dinner,” I agreed.Marissa did not move.Ethan looked at her.“Are you coming?”She hesitated.Something passed across his face.Not anger.That would have been easier.“You’re seated next to me,” he said.“I know.”“Then come.”Marissa picked up her clutch.He started away without touching her.She watched him go.Four years together, and one unanswered question had created three feet of space that looked wider than the lawn.“I should leave,” she said.“That would make everything worse.”“For who?”“Probably everyone.”She laughed weakly.“Helpful.”I looked toward the tent.“Sit through dinner.”“You want me to sit beside him after this?”“No.”“Good.”“But his brother didn’t do anything.”That landed.Marissa closed her eyes briefly.“Right.”We walked separately toward the tent.Nora caught me before I reached my table.“What happened?”“Later.”“That answer has never once meant anything good.”“Lily okay?”“She’s furious because someone removed her cake plate.”“That sounds normal.”“She also wants to know why Ethan looks like he swallowed a battery.”I glanced toward the head table.Ethan was smiling at his brother’s new wife while someone poured wine.From a distance, he looked composed.Nora had always been harder to fool than most people.“Tell her adults are being weird.”“She already knows that.”“Then tell her she’s ahead of schedule.”Nora caught my wrist before I moved away.Her voice softened.“Do I need to take her back to the hotel?”I considered it.The instinct to remove Lily from the entire situation was immediate.But she was a flower girl.She had spent two weeks practicing a dance with the bride’s niece.Dragging her out because adults had secrets felt like another way of making those secrets more important than her.“Not yet.”Nora studied me.“You sure?”“No.”“That’s more believable.”I sat beside Lily.She had somehow acquired another piece of cake.“Where did that come from?”“Mr. Paul.”Paul was the groom’s college roommate and had apparently decided his role in the wedding was undermining parental authority.“He’s becoming a problem.”Lily nodded happily and ate another bite.Dinner arrived in courses that nobody at my table seemed capable of identifying without asking.Lily rejected the salad because it contained “wet leaves.”I ate three bites of chicken and could not remember swallowing any of them.Across the tent, Ethan barely touched his plate.Marissa sat beside him with her hands in her lap.They spoke once.He asked something.She shook her head.That was all.Then the speeches began.The best man told a story about Ethan’s brother breaking a canoe in college.Everyone laughed.I watched Ethan laugh too.The sound was genuine for two seconds.Then his face seemed to remember the rest of the evening.His mother gave a toast about family.That almost became funny.I looked down before my expression betrayed me.Lily leaned against my arm.“Are you tired?”“A little.”“You’re old.”“Thank you.”“You’re welcome.”Nora covered a laugh with her napkin.After dinner, the bride and groom danced.Then parents joined them.Then the band invited everyone else onto the floor.Lily disappeared into a group of flower girls and cousins.I stayed at the table.For ten whole minutes, nothing terrible happened.I watched people dance badly.I drank coffee.I listened to Nora complain that wedding chairs were designed by orthopedic surgeons seeking future patients.It felt almost peaceful.Then Ethan’s phone began vibrating across the head table.Once.Twice.Then repeatedly.He looked at the screen.His face changed.Marissa saw it.So did I.He stood and walked out of the tent.Marissa followed.I remained seated for three seconds.Then my own phone buzzed.A text from Ethan.Outside.I stared at it.Nora glanced over.“Battery swallowed?”“Yes.”“Want backup?”“No.”“Should I ignore that answer?”“Stay with Lily.”Her expression hardened slightly.“Okay.”I walked outside.Ethan stood beyond the string lights near a row of magnolia trees.Marissa was several feet away from him.He held his phone in one hand.“What?” I asked.He turned the screen toward me.A message thread was open with Daniel.Ethan had written first.Call me.Daniel had replied.At the wedding.Then another message.Can it wait.Ethan had typed one sentence.Did you get Marissa Cole pregnant seven years ago.The answer had come less than a minute later.Who told you.Not no.Not confusion.Not a demand for context.Who told you.Marissa stared at the message.Her mouth opened, but no sound came out.Ethan looked at me.“That’s confirmation.”“It’s evidence he knows what you’re talking about.”“What else could it mean?”“I’m not arguing with you.”“It sounds like you are.”“I’m being precise.”He looked as though he wanted to snap at me, then stopped himself.That was new.His phone vibrated again.Daniel.Do not discuss this over text.Ethan laughed once.“Oh, now he’s careful.”Another message appeared.Call me alone.Marissa crossed her arms.“Of course.”Ethan looked at her.“What?”“He wants to control the conversation.”“You know him so well?”She recoiled.“That’s not fair.”“No, probably not.”He looked away.At least he heard himself now.I held out my hand.“Don’t call yet.”“Why?”“Because if he’s worried about what exists in writing, let him stay worried.”Ethan stared at me.“You think like a lawyer now?”“No.”“Then what?”“Like someone who spent years wishing she had kept better records.”That shut him up.Marissa unlocked her own phone.“I have more.”I turned toward her.“More what?”“Emails.”“You said there was one response.”“One response after the adoption.”My stomach tightened.“What about before?”She looked embarrassed.“A lot.”“How many?”“Maybe forty.”Ethan stared at her.“You kept forty emails from Daniel?”“I kept the account.”“That is not the same thing.”“I didn’t sit around rereading them.”“Can we not do this?” I said.Marissa began searching.Her thumb moved quickly at first, then slowed.“There.”She opened a message dated eight months before Lily’s birth.I read over her shoulder.Daniel had written about missing her.Nothing remarkable.Then I saw a line near the bottom.Thursday is difficult because Ethan expects me at the office late.I looked at Ethan.He read it too.His face emptied.“What?”“The office,” he said.“What about it?”“I didn’t work with Daniel.”Marissa frowned.“Then why would he write that?”Ethan took the phone.He scrolled.Another email.Can’t do Saturday because Claire and Ethan are having people over.Another.I told Claire I’d help with the cabinets Sunday, so afternoon is impossible.My skin went cold.Daniel had been constructing his affair out of pieces of our real life.He had used my dinners, my house, my plans, even my name as scaffolding for a marriage that did not exist.Marissa whispered, “I thought Claire was the wife because he talked about her constantly.”Ethan looked up.“What do you mean constantly?”“He complained about her.”I felt something in me go still.“What did he say?”Marissa hesitated.“That she was suspicious.”“I wasn’t.”“That she wanted a baby.”I looked at Ethan.Neither of us moved.“And?”Marissa’s voice dropped.“That she was making his life miserable because she couldn’t get pregnant.”Ethan closed his eyes.For a moment I was back in our kitchen, standing barefoot beside the sink while Ethan told me I had turned trying for a baby into my entire personality.I had always believed those words were his.Maybe some of them had been.Maybe not all.“Did Daniel tell you Ethan was his cousin?” I asked.“No.”“Did he ever mention Ethan separately?”Marissa searched her memory.“A friend.”Ethan’s eyes opened.“What friend?”“He said his closest friend was cheating on his wife.”My stomach dropped.Ethan stared at her.“I never cheated on Claire.”Marissa looked at him uncertainly.“I’m just telling you what he said.”“When?”“During my pregnancy.”Ethan turned toward me.I did not need him to explain.During the last year of our marriage, I had become convinced he was having an affair.Late meetings.Deleted messages.Unexplained absences.A perfume smell on his jacket once that he insisted came from a crowded restaurant.Rebecca came later, after we separated.At least according to him.I had never fully believed that.“Daniel told you his closest friend was cheating,” I said.“Yes.”“And he told Ethan what?”Ethan’s face had become strangely pale.“That you were convinced I was cheating.”The three of us stood in silence.Then Ethan looked down at Daniel’s messages on his phone.A horrible possibility settled between us.Daniel had not simply lied to Marissa about having a wife.He had been feeding different lies into both sides of my marriage.And seven years later, for the first time, Ethan and I were standing in the same place long enough to compare them.
