Chương 5
“You keep saying that.”
Nathan held out his hand for the phone.
She set it on the counter instead.
“Maybe stop knowing things alone.”
Then she walked away.
Nathan stared after her.
Julian said nothing.
For a moment, the three of us stood in the wreckage of conversations none of us had intended to have.
Then I asked the question that had been waiting beneath every other question.
“If you were ashamed to work for Nathan, why did you keep doing it for eleven months?”
Julian looked at me.
His expression had changed again.
He was no longer angry.
He looked cornered.
“Because it stopped being temporary.”
“And you still didn’t tell me.”
“No.”
“Why?”
He looked toward Nathan.
Nathan’s face went pale.
I followed Julian’s gaze.
“What?”
Neither man spoke.
I straightened.
“What aren’t you telling me?”
Nathan whispered, “Jules.”
Julian shut his eyes.
When he opened them, he looked directly at me.
“Because I wasn’t planning to stay married to you.”
For a second, I heard nothing except the refrigerator motor.
Nathan swore under his breath.
Julian’s eyes stayed on mine.
I waited for the sentence to change shape.
It did not.
“You were leaving me?”
He rubbed one hand over his mouth.
“I was considering it.”
“Considering.”
“Yes.”
“While I was paying for everything.”
“I know how that sounds.”
I almost smiled.
There were so many things he had said that night that might have been funny if they had belonged to somebody else.
Nathan stepped toward the door.
“I should go.”
“No.”
My voice stopped him.
“If you know more, stay.”
Julian turned sharply.
“She doesn’t need an audience.”
“You brought him into our marriage months ago.”
Nathan looked down.
Julian flinched.
I saw it and hated that I still noticed.
“Were you saving money to leave?”
Julian leaned against the counter.
“At first.”
The kitchen seemed to tilt.
“What does that mean?”
“It means I thought I needed enough to get an apartment.”
“You had an income.”
“I didn’t know if it would last.”
“You had eleven months.”
“Yes.”
“You had eleven months to tell me.”
“Yes.”
“And instead, you let me think we were broke.”
“We were broke.”
“No.”
I pointed toward him.
“I was broke.”
His jaw tightened.
“You think I felt rich?”
“I think you had money I couldn’t access.”
“I wasn’t living some secret luxury life.”
“You bought clothes.”
“Jesus Christ, Claire.”
“You bought a laptop.”
“I needed it for work.”
“Then your employer could have bought it.”
Nathan said quietly, “We offered.”
Julian spun toward him.
“Can you stop helping?”
Nathan looked at me instead.
I wanted to hate him too.
It would have been simpler.
He had known for four months.
He had let me sit across from him at Christmas dinner and tell a stupid story about stretching ground beef with lentils because grocery prices were ridiculous.
He had laughed.
I had laughed.
Now I wondered whether he had gone home afterward and fought with Julian about me.
That possibility somehow hurt more than if he had not cared at all.
“When did you decide to leave?” I asked.
Julian did not answer.
“Was it before Ben was born?”
“No.”
“After?”
“Yes.”
“How long after?”
He stared at the counter.
“Claire.”
“How long?”
“Maybe six months.”
I counted backward without meaning to.
Ben had been six months old.
I had just returned to work.
Sophie had started waking at night again because she hated preschool.
My milk supply had crashed.
I had cried in a pharmacy parking lot because they were out of the formula Ben tolerated and I did not know whether I had enough gas to drive to another store until payday.
Julian had been home that day.
He had told me he was updating his résumé.
“You were planning to leave me while I was barely functioning.”
“That’s not fair.”
The force of his answer surprised me.
He pushed away from the counter.
“You want to make me a monster, fine.”
“I don’t have to make you anything.”
“You don’t know what it was like.”
I stared at him.
He laughed without humor.
“See?”
“What was it like, Julian?”
He looked at Nathan, then toward the window, then back at me.
“Being useless.”
The word came out low.
I said nothing.
“For sixteen years, I was the one with the career.”
Nathan shifted uncomfortably.
Julian ignored him.
“I was the one people called.”
His voice was changing now, losing the polished edge he used when he wanted control.
“I knew what I was doing.”
He tapped his chest with two fingers.
“I was good at something.”
“You lost your job.”
“I know.”
“People lose jobs.”
“Not me.”
There it was.
The arrogance underneath the shame.
Not separate from it.
Part of it.
He continued before I could answer.
“I applied everywhere.”
“I know.”
“No, you don’t.”
“I watched you.”
“You watched me fail.”
My throat tightened.
“That wasn’t what I was doing.”
“That’s what it felt like.”
Julian looked at the floor.
“Every morning, you got dressed and left.”
“You wanted me to work.”
“I know.”
“You begged me to go back.”
“I know.”
“And now you’re angry because I did?”
“No.”
He shook his head.
“I was angry because you were fine.”
I stared at him.
He looked immediately ashamed of the sentence.
But he did not take it back.
“You thought I was fine?”
“You kept moving.”
“That is not the same thing.”
“You handled everything.”
“Because I had to.”
“I know that now.”
“No, you knew it then.”
Julian’s eyes flashed.
“You don’t get it.”
“Then explain it.”
He dragged a hand through his hair.
“You would come home exhausted and still know which bill was due.”
My hands curled against the edge of the counter.
“You’d know what Sophie needed for school.”
He swallowed.
“You’d remember Ben’s medicine.”
His voice dropped.
“You’d fix things.”
“I was drowning.”
“I know.”
“You keep saying that.”
May you like
Selina’s words echoed in the room.
Julian heard them too.
