Chương 11
Emma turned away.
Rachel ended the call.
For several minutes she sat on the edge of the bed while Emma arranged Bunny beneath the blanket.
Then Emma said, “Mommy?”
“Yes?”
“Is Daddy bad?”
Rachel stared at the projected stars.
There were easy answers.
The internet had thousands of them.
She chose the harder one.
“Daddy did something very bad.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
“I know.”
Emma waited.
Rachel leaned down and kissed her forehead.
“People aren’t only one thing.”
Emma frowned because this was unsatisfying.
“So is he bad?”
Rachel almost smiled.
“I think you’re allowed to decide what you think about Daddy slowly.”
“How slow?”
“As slow as you need.”
Emma yawned.
“That’s not a number.”
“No.”
“You’re bad at numbers.”
“Go to sleep.”
A week later, Daniel was arrested.
Not dramatically.
No reporters were present.
Detective Greene called Rachel at eight in the morning and told her prosecutors had approved charges related to child endangerment and his attempt to interfere with access to the security system.
She used careful language.
Rachel did not ask for the exact statutes.
She had already learned that legal language felt least satisfying when most important.
Daniel surrendered through his attorney.
He was released under conditions that restricted unsupervised contact with Emma and prohibited him from contacting several witnesses outside counsel.
His company placed him on indefinite leave.
Two board members resigned from a committee he chaired.
Someone leaked an internal email.
The story became national for two days.
Then a celebrity divorce happened in Los Angeles and most people forgot.
Rachel envied them.
She did not forget.
Emma returned to school.
The first day, one boy asked if her dad was “the pool guy.”
Rachel learned because Emma reported it over macaroni and cheese.
“What did you say?”
“I said his name is Daniel.”
“That works.”
“Then Maya told him to shut up.”
“Also works.”
“Can I say shut up?”
“No.”
“Maya can.”
“Maya has different management.”
Emma laughed.
Rachel kept eating.
She had lost nine pounds.
Her mother was monitoring this in a way Rachel found insulting.
“You need protein,” Margaret said whenever she entered a room.
Rachel began keeping almonds in visible places to discourage conversation.
Nick visited often but no longer threatened Daniel.
After the garage incident, Rachel had told him he would not see Emma if he made her feel physically unsafe again.
He had gone pale.
“I would never hurt her.”
“You did scare her.”
“That’s different.”
“Not to her.”
He had apologized to Emma.
Not with toys.
Not with excuses.
He sat at the kitchen table and said, “I got angry and hit your dad. That was wrong. You shouldn’t have had to see it.”
Emma asked, “Did it hurt?”
Nick said, “Probably.”
“Good.”
Rachel almost corrected her.
Nick said, “Yeah, well. Still wrong.”
That impressed Rachel.
She did not tell him.
A month after the rooftop, Emma had her first supervised visit with Daniel.
The supervisor was a retired social worker named Beverly who wore sneakers with business clothes and spoke to everyone as if they were slightly late.
Rachel brought Emma to a family center in Midtown.
Daniel was already there.
He had lost weight too.
No silver watch.
Emma noticed.
“Where’s Grandpa’s watch?”
Daniel looked at his empty wrist.
“At home.”
“Why?”
“I didn’t feel like wearing it.”
“You always wear it.”
Daniel looked at Rachel.
She said nothing.
He crouched.
“Do you want to draw?”
Emma shrugged.
Beverly said, “Mom is going to wait in the lobby.”
Emma grabbed Rachel’s hand.
“No.”
Rachel’s heart clenched.
Daniel stood.
“It’s okay. She can stay.”
Beverly shook her head.
“That’s not the plan.”
Emma’s eyes filled.
Rachel knelt.
“I’ll be right outside.”
“No.”
“Ten minutes?”
“No.”
“Five?”
Emma looked toward Daniel.
He did not move closer.
Rachel said, “You don’t have to do this today.”
Daniel’s face changed.
Beverly looked at him.
Then at Rachel.
“That is true.”
Emma thought for a long time.
Then she released Rachel’s hand.
“Five.”
Rachel sat in the lobby and stared at a framed print of ducks for exactly five minutes.
At four minutes and thirty seconds she almost went in.
At five, Beverly opened the door.
Emma was coloring.
She did not look up.
Rachel stood there.
Beverly smiled slightly.
“Want to give them five more?”
Rachel sat back down.
The second five became twenty.
When Emma emerged, she carried a drawing.
Daniel followed several feet behind.
“What did you make?” Rachel asked.
“A building.”
It had a purple roof and twelve orange windows.
“Nice.”
“This is our apartment.”
Rachel looked at Daniel.
He stared at the drawing.
Emma pointed to three stick figures.
“This is me. This is Mommy.”
She pointed to the third.
“This is Bunny.”
Daniel smiled.
“Bunny made the cut.”
Emma looked at him.
“You don’t live there.”
“No.”
The smile disappeared.
On the walk home, Rachel expected Emma to cry.
Instead she complained about being hungry.
They bought a pretzel from a cart.
She ate half and dropped the rest.
A pigeon took it.
“Rude,” Emma said.
Rachel laughed.
The next visit lasted forty minutes.
The one after that ended after eight because Emma became upset when Daniel closed the bathroom door.
He opened it immediately.
“I’m sorry.”
She began crying.
He stood in the hallway while Beverly comforted her.
Rachel watched through the observation window.
She felt an ugly flicker of satisfaction.
Then disgust with herself.
Trauma had made Emma afraid of doors.
Satisfaction had no business there.
Rachel left the building and cried in the nearest coffee shop bathroom.
When she returned, Daniel was sitting on the floor outside the playroom.
Beverly had taken Emma inside to calm down.
Daniel looked up.
“I did that.”
Rachel sat three chairs away.
“Yes.”
“She’s scared when I close a door.”
“Yes.”
“I didn’t even think.”
“I know.”
He laughed bitterly.
“That’s becoming my whole biography.”
Rachel said nothing.
After a while he asked, “Do you hate me?”
“Yes.”
May you like
He nodded.
The answer seemed to relax him.
