Chương 6
“I know.”
“Did she leave?”
“Yes.”
“Is she coming back?”
“No.”
Lily looked at her plate.
The winner’s dinner was chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans, and a chocolate dessert that looked more expensive than it tasted.
Lily pushed a bean through the mashed potatoes.
“Because of me?”
Daniel sat beside her.
“No.”
“Dad.”
“No. She was already losing her job.”
“Because she threw it?”
“No.”
“Then why did you say ‘you’re fired’ after she threw it?”
Daniel looked at Margaret.
Margaret did not rescue him.
Good.
He deserved that.
“Because I was angry,” he said.
Lily’s eyes stayed on him.
“I had already decided she would be fired, and the papers were already signed. But I said it then because I wanted her to know she couldn’t hurt you and keep acting like nothing happened.”
“So it was a little because of me.”
“The timing was.”
“That counts.”
Daniel nodded.
“Yes.”
Lily ate one green bean.
Across the table, Ethan said, “This chicken is dry enough to file taxes.”
Margaret stared at him.
“What does that even mean?”
“I don’t know.”
Lily smiled.
A small one.
Daniel looked down so she would not see his relief.
After dinner, they returned to their suite.
Lily changed into flannel pajamas but kept the trophy on the desk.
Daniel sat beside her under a lamp.
The loose screw was tiny.
He dropped it twice.
The second time it bounced into the carpet.
Lily got down on her hands and knees.
“I told you to use the magnetic tray.”
“You did.”
“Mom always used it.”
“Your mother also enjoyed being right more than was medically necessary.”
Lily looked up.
“Can being right be medical?”
“No.”
“Then that was a weird sentence.”
“Your mother would have said that too.”
They found the screw.
Daniel tightened the brass plate carefully.
The wood still smelled faintly of ash.
“Do you want me to sand this part?” he asked.
Lily shook her head.
“Why?”
“I want it like that.”
Daniel looked at the blackened edge.
“You sure?”
“Yes.”
He put the screwdriver down.
“All right.”
Lily picked up the trophy.
“Did Vanessa lie about Mom?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
Daniel sat back.
He had spent most of Lily’s life adjusting truth according to what he thought she could handle.
Claire had been better at this.
Claire sometimes gave children answers Daniel considered too honest and then watched them survive.
“I think she was jealous,” he said.
“Of Mom?”
“Maybe. Of you. Of us. Of things she felt she wasn’t part of.”
“That’s dumb.”
“It was.”
“Are grown-ups dumb a lot?”
“More than advertised.”
She studied him.
“Were you dumb?”
Daniel smiled without humor.
“Yes.”
“With Vanessa?”
“Yes.”
Lily looked at the trophy again.
“Did you know she was mean?”
The question hurt more than accusation would have.
“Sometimes.”
“And you still brought her around me.”
“Yes.”
Lily’s jaw tightened.
Daniel could have explained.
Vanessa could be generous. She remembered birthdays. She knew how to make a room fun when she wanted. She once drove Lily forty minutes to retrieve a stuffed fox left in a restaurant. She had sat with Daniel through panic attacks in the months after Claire died.
All of that was true.
None of it answered Lily.
“I should have paid attention sooner,” he said.
She stared at him.
“Why didn’t you?”
Daniel rubbed his palms together.
“Because I liked who I was when I didn’t have to be sad around her.”
Lily frowned.
He tried again.
“Vanessa made things feel normal sometimes. I wanted that badly enough that I excused things I shouldn’t have.”
“Like what?”
He thought of the first time Vanessa called Lily dramatic.
The first time she rolled her eyes when Lily mentioned Claire.
The first time Daniel told Lily to be polite after Vanessa had been cruel.
“Things I should’ve noticed.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“No.”
Lily waited.
Daniel felt tired.
He also felt the old urge to shorten the conversation because he was tired.
He stayed.
“She made jokes about you being too sensitive. I told myself she didn’t understand you yet. She got irritated when I changed plans for you. I told myself couples argue about schedules. She didn’t like when we talked about Mom.”
Lily looked toward the window.
Snow moved through the yellow light outside.
“She told me Mom was gone and I had to stop acting like she was coming back.”
Daniel stopped breathing for a second.
“When?”
Lily shrugged.
“Before Thanksgiving.”
“Where?”
“In the kitchen.”
“I was there?”
“You were on the phone outside.”
Daniel pressed both hands against his knees.
“What exactly did she say?”
Lily immediately stiffened.
He heard his own voice.
Interviewing.
Collecting evidence.
He softened it.
“You don’t have to tell me tonight.”
“She said you were trying to move forward and I kept pulling you backward.”
Daniel looked at the carpet.
A heater clicked on.
Lily put the trophy on the desk.
“Dad?”
“Yes?”
“Are you mad?”
“Yes.”
“At me?”
“No.”
She nodded.
Then she climbed into bed.
Daniel turned off the desk lamp.
“Leave the bathroom light.”
“I will.”
He pulled the door almost closed.
“Dad?”
“Yeah?”
“I knew she was mean.”
Daniel stood in the doorway.
“I know.”
“No. I mean before you did.”
He swallowed.
“I know.”
“That’s bad.”
“Yes.”
She rolled toward the wall.
Daniel stayed there another moment.
Then he left.
In the sitting room, Margaret was reading without turning pages.
Ethan lay on the sofa with headphones around his neck, staring at his phone.
Daniel shut Lily’s door.
Margaret looked up.
“How much did she tell you?”
“Enough.”
Ethan sat up.
Daniel looked at him.
“What did Vanessa say to you?”
Ethan’s face closed.
Margaret said, “I asked him earlier.”
“I’m asking now.”
“I heard you.”
“Ethan.”
“What?”
The irritation came fast.
Daniel recognized it as fear because he had once been fifteen too.
“What did she say?”
Ethan stood.
“You fired her.”
May you like
“That doesn’t mean I know everything.”
“You never wanted to know everything.”
