Chương 8
“That sounds romantic.”
“It was, at the time.”
Rachel smiled faintly.
Daniel continued, “She made the house feel less like an emergency. Emma liked her. I liked not being the only adult responsible for every decision.”
“And then?”
“I gave Vanessa more decisions.”
Rachel raised an eyebrow.
Daniel rubbed his jaw.
“She stopped asking.”
“And you?”
“I stopped noticing.”
That was not all of it.
There had been cruelty, small and ordinary.
Daniel worked late.
Vanessa wanted another child.
Daniel did not.
Vanessa gave up her event-design business after marrying him, partly because Daniel’s schedule made two careers difficult and partly because the mansion, Emma, travel, and Daniel’s social obligations consumed more of her time than either of them admitted.
Then Daniel began speaking of her work as something she used to do.
He remembered saying, at a dinner with friends, Vanessa was happier without the stress.
She had looked at him.
He had not corrected himself.
He remembered other things.
Vanessa asking him to take a weekend away.
Daniel canceling.
Vanessa buying tickets to Santa Fe.
Daniel moving a board meeting into the same weekend.
Vanessa saying one night, “You only notice me when something in your life needs managing.”
Daniel replying, “That’s not fair.”
The phrase had apparently been popular in their marriage.
Rachel listened.
When he finished, she said, “None of that makes what she did okay.”
“I know.”
“I’m saying it because your face looks like you’re building an argument against yourself.”
Daniel looked at her.
“She thought I was going to discard her.”
“Were you?”
“I was going to divorce her.”
“That wasn’t my question.”
He turned toward the window.
A delivery truck stopped at the gate.
The security intercom buzzed.
Neither moved.
Finally Rachel stood.
“I’ll get it.”
Daniel watched her leave.
He was beginning to understand how many people had been getting things for him.
The next morning he called Michael Hayes.
Michael answered with, “I have been waiting for you to call.”
“You could have called me.”
“I did. Vanessa told me to stop.”
Daniel shut his eyes.
“Right.”
“How are you?”
“I don’t know.”
“That’s a terrible answer.”
“It’s the first accurate one I’ve given in months.”
Michael was quiet.
They had started the company together when Daniel was twenty-eight and Michael was thirty-six. Their friendship had become the kind built almost entirely inside work.
Daniel knew how Michael took coffee.
He did not know the name of Michael’s therapist, though Michael had once mentioned having one.
“What did Vanessa tell you?” Daniel asked.
“A lot.”
“Why did you believe her?”
Michael exhaled.
“Because I watched you deteriorate.”
“You watched me on video calls.”
“You canceled half of them.”
“She canceled half of them.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“What did you think?”
“That you were sick.”
Daniel pressed his fingers to his forehead.
Michael continued, “Daniel, you fell asleep during a financing meeting.”
“I didn’t fall asleep.”
“You stopped responding.”
“I was sedated.”
“I know that now.”
The word now hurt.
Daniel said, “Why didn’t you come see me?”
“I tried.”
Daniel looked up.
“When?”
“Twice.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“You never came here.”
“Vanessa told me visitors were making you worse.”
Daniel said nothing.
“The second time,” Michael continued, “she said Dr. Patel had specifically asked us to stop stressing you.”
“That was a lie.”
“I know.”
“Why didn’t you call the doctor?”
“I’m your business partner, not your brother.”
Daniel almost said You’re closer to me than my brother would be.
He did not have a brother.
He almost laughed.
Instead he said, “You should’ve pushed harder.”
Michael replied immediately.
“So should you.”
Daniel stared at the phone.
Apparently everyone had agreed on this.
Michael softened.
“I’m sorry.”
Daniel rubbed the bridge of his nose.
“So am I.”
The board leave became official that afternoon.
Daniel signed it himself.
He hated every letter of his name while he did.
It was the first major decision since the hospital that made him feel weaker instead of safer.
Afterward he sat in the library until Emma came home.
She dropped her backpack near the door.
“You look mad.”
“I am.”
“Did somebody do something?”
“Yes.”
“Who?”
“Me.”
Emma considered that.
“Can you fire you?”
“Apparently the board can.”
She walked over.
“Did they?”
“No.”
“Then this seems dramatic.”
Daniel stared at her.
She stared back.
He started laughing.
Emma smiled.
“Rachel said you make things bigger when you’re embarrassed.”
“I need to talk to Rachel.”
“She said you’d say that.”
For two days nothing new happened.
The absence of developments became its own pressure.
Daniel attended physical therapy.
He was able to stand with support for seventeen seconds.
The therapist congratulated him.
Daniel wanted thirty.
He became angry at seventeen.
The therapist waited for him to finish being angry.
Then she said, “Again?”
He nodded.
The second attempt lasted twelve seconds.
He swore.
She said, “Now you’re being annoying.”
Daniel looked at her.
She smiled.
He laughed despite himself.
On the drive home, he cried once.
Only once.
Rachel was driving.
She did not mention it.
That evening, Maya called.
“Vanessa wants to speak with you.”
Daniel looked at the phone.
“Why?”
“She says she wants to explain.”
“To you?”
“To you.”
“Without lawyers?”
“She requested it.”
“No.”
Maya sounded relieved.
“Good.”
Daniel frowned.
“You were testing me?”
“No. I’m pleasantly surprised.”
“What does she want?”
“We don’t know.”
“Then no.”
Maya hesitated.
“She also sent a letter.”
Daniel said nothing.
“Do you want me to read it?”
“No.”
“Do you want me to send it?”
“No.”
“All right.”
He ended the call.
Five minutes later he called back.
“Send it.”
Maya sighed.
“I knew the pleasant surprise wouldn’t last.”
The letter arrived by encrypted email.
Daniel opened it at 10:14 that night.
He read the first line.
Daniel, I need you to understand that I never wanted to hurt you.
He stopped.
He closed the laptop.
May you like
Then opened it again.
I know nothing I say will sound believable to you right now. I know you think every kind thing I did was false. It wasn’t. I loved you. I love Emma. I was terrified, and I made choices I cannot explain in a way that will make them acceptable.
