Chương 11
Her voice cracked.
“That’s the part I can’t get around.”
Daniel looked at her.
“I kept telling myself Sophie needed boundaries. What I meant was I needed her to stop making me feel powerless.”
“Why did she make you feel powerless?”
Victoria gave him a look that was almost annoyed.
“Because you love her more.”
He inhaled.
“I love her differently.”
“That is what people say when the answer is yes.”
“She is my child.”
“I know.”
“You cannot compete with that.”
“I know.”
“Then why did you?”
Victoria stared at her hands.
“Because sometimes knowing something doesn’t stop you from feeling something ugly.”
Daniel had no answer.
That was the first sentence she had said all night that he entirely trusted.
She wiped her cheek.
“I don’t want to live in your house.”
He looked up.
“When we get back.”
“Okay.”
“I’ll stay at a hotel until I find something.”
“You don’t have to decide today.”
“I do.”
“Why?”
“Because if I stay there, Sophie will spend every minute wondering when I’m coming into the room.”
Daniel’s throat tightened.
Victoria looked at him.
“I don’t want to do that to her.”
The sentence did not redeem anything.
It made what came next harder.
“I’ll pay for wherever you stay.”
She shook her head.
“I can pay for a hotel.”
“I know.”
“Don’t make this another thing you fix with money.”
He looked down.
“Fair.”
Victoria took a breath.
“What do we tell people?”
“The truth we owe them.”
“What does that mean?”
“The wedding is canceled.”
“And why?”
“That we’re dealing with a private family matter.”
She nodded.
“My parents?”
“You tell them whatever you want.”
“They’ll ask if you cheated.”
“I didn’t.”
“They’ll probably prefer that.”
Daniel almost laughed.
Victoria did too.
For a few seconds they sat in the ruins of their wedding and discussed her parents like any other couple.
Then Victoria stopped smiling.
“Can I apologize to Sophie?”
“Not unless she wants you to.”
“Will you ask her?”
“Yes.”
“Don’t make her say yes.”
“I won’t.”
Victoria nodded.
“And Daniel?”
“Yeah?”
“Tell her she was telling the truth.”
“I already did.”
“No.”
Victoria looked directly at him.
“Tell her I said she was.”
That afternoon, Sophie agreed to see Victoria for five minutes.
She insisted Daniel stay.
They met in the lounge car.
Victoria sat first.
Sophie chose the chair farthest away and climbed into it with her knees beneath her.
Daniel remained beside the door.
Victoria did not begin with a speech.
For almost ten seconds, nobody spoke.
Sophie looked at the floor.
Victoria took a breath.
“You told your dad the truth about the juice.”
Sophie looked up.
“Yes.”
“I told him you didn’t.”
“Yes.”
“I lied.”
Sophie’s face showed surprise.
Victoria continued.
“I poured it on purpose.”
“I know.”
“Yes.”
Another silence.
“I should not have done that.”
Sophie twisted her fingers together.
“Why did you?”
Victoria glanced at Daniel.
He did not help her.
“Because I was angry.”
“At me?”
“Yes.”
Sophie absorbed that.
“Because I said Mommy?”
“Partly.”
“You don’t like Mommy.”
Victoria closed her eyes briefly.
“I was jealous of her.”
Sophie frowned.
“She’s dead.”
“I know.”
“You can’t be jealous if somebody’s dead.”
“You’d think.”
Daniel almost spoke.
He didn’t.
Victoria leaned forward, then seemed to remember herself and sat back again.
“I was jealous because your dad still loves her, and because you love her, and because sometimes I felt like there wasn’t room for me.”
Sophie looked at Daniel.
“Is there room?”
Daniel’s chest tightened.
Victoria answered first.
“There was.”
Sophie looked back.
“And I handled it badly.”
“Really badly.”
“Yes.”
Victoria swallowed.
“Really badly.”
Sophie looked at her hands.
“Daddy says adults have to do stuff with their feelings.”
Victoria gave Daniel a brief look.
“He’s right.”
“He said they’re yours.”
“They are.”
“So I don’t have to fix them.”
“No.”
Sophie nodded.
That seemed more important to her than the apology.
Victoria’s voice softened.
“I also told you things about your dad getting tired of you.”
Sophie went very still.
“That was wrong.”
“Was it a lie?”
“Yes.”
Sophie looked at Daniel.
He nodded.
Victoria continued.
“I said things that made you scared he might leave you. I should never have done that.”
Sophie stared at the carpet.
“Are you leaving?”
“Yes.”
The child’s eyes filled.
Daniel did not expect that.
Neither did Victoria.
Sophie wiped her face angrily.
“I thought you didn’t like me.”
Victoria’s mouth trembled.
“I didn’t like how I felt around you sometimes.”
“That means you didn’t like me.”
“Sometimes,” Victoria said.
Daniel looked at her.
She did not retreat from the truth.
“But sometimes I liked you very much.”
Sophie sniffed.
“When?”
Victoria smiled faintly.
“When you told the florist that baby’s breath sounded like a medical problem.”
Sophie’s mouth twitched.
“When you fell asleep in the shopping cart at Costco.”
“I was little.”
“That was four months ago.”
“I was tired.”
“I know.”
Victoria’s smile faded.
“I liked reading with you. I liked when you sang the wrong words to songs. I liked that you always gave me the yellow gummy bears because you thought they tasted like soap.”
“They do.”
“They do not.”
“They do.”
For one small moment, the room felt easy.
Then Sophie asked, “If you liked me, why were you mean?”
Victoria looked at her.
“Because liking someone doesn’t automatically make you good to them.”
Daniel felt the sentence settle somewhere deep.
Sophie considered it.
“Are you going to come back?”
Victoria glanced at Daniel.
“I don’t know.”
“Are you marrying Daddy?”
“No.”
Sophie began crying.
Quietly.
Victoria looked stricken.
“I’m sorry.”
“I didn’t want you to marry him.”
“I know.”
“But I didn’t want you to go away because of me.”
Victoria pressed her lips together.
“I’m not going away because of you.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No.”
“You said—”
“I’m going away because I did something I shouldn’t have done.”
“If I didn’t say anything—”
May you like
“I still would have done it.”
Sophie stopped.
