Chương 5
“Would I still call you Uncle Nathan?”
“If you want.”
“That would be weird.”
“Probably.”
For the first time that night, she smiled.
Only a little.
Then it disappeared.
“Are you going to leave?”
Nathan did not understand.
“Leave where?”
“Like Daddy.”
Rachel turned away sharply.
Nathan moved from the other bed and crouched in front of Sophie.
“Mark didn’t choose to leave.”
“I know.”
“You mean am I going to disappear.”
She nodded.
Nathan nearly said never.
The word reached his mouth and stopped.
Adults promised children things they could not control because it made the adults feel useful.
He changed the promise.
“I’m not going to walk away because of this.”
Sophie watched him carefully.
“Even if the test says no?”
That question hurt in a place he had not expected.
Nathan looked at Rachel.
Then back at Sophie.
“No.”
She relaxed by a degree.
Nathan stood.
Rachel caught his eye.
Thank you, her face said.
He was not ready to receive gratitude from her.
He looked away.
The next morning the lodge had the embarrassed quiet of a house after a party where someone had been arrested.
No one had been arrested, but two relatives had already left before breakfast.
Victoria’s parents were gone.
Nathan learned this from his mother, who told him while pouring coffee and trying not to ask whether the engagement was over.
Richard sat at the long kitchen island reading nothing on his phone.
Sophie ate half a waffle.
Rachel drank coffee without touching food.
Victoria did not come downstairs.
Nathan had slept for ninety minutes.
At seven fifteen he called a private clinic in Denver.
The receptionist told him they did legal paternity testing by appointment, required identification and documented sample collection, and could usually provide results in several business days.
Nathan booked the earliest available appointment for the following afternoon.
Then he called Rachel into the mudroom.
“I made an appointment.”
She pulled on her boots.
“For what?”
“A proper test.”
Her expression hardened.
“You could have discussed that with me.”
Nathan stared at her.
“Yes.”
Rachel waited.
He understood.
He had done exactly what he was angry at everyone else for doing.
Made a decision about Sophie and expected people to adjust around it.
Nathan rubbed his forehead.
“You’re right.”
Rachel looked surprised.
“I should’ve asked.”
Snowplows moved on the lodge road outside.
Nathan heard the scrape of metal against packed snow.
Rachel wrapped her scarf around her neck.
“I want the test.”
“Okay.”
“I just don’t want you treating me like I don’t get a vote now.”
Nathan nodded.
“You get a vote.”
“I’m her mother.”
“I know.”
“And if you are her biological father, that doesn’t turn the last seven years into something you can fix in a week.”
Nathan’s jaw tightened.
“I know that too.”
“No, you know it intellectually.”
He looked at her.
Rachel was tired enough not to protect him from herself.
“You’re going to want to make up for everything at once,” she said. “That’s what you do when you’re scared. You organize.”
Nathan almost denied it.
Then he remembered the appointment he had booked without asking.
Rachel opened the mudroom door.
Cold air came in.
“You’ll make a spreadsheet if I let you.”
“I don’t make spreadsheets.”
“You color-code your calendar.”
“That’s different.”
Rachel looked at him.
Despite everything, he laughed.
It lasted one second.
Then both of them remembered why they were talking.
Rachel stepped outside.
Nathan followed.
They stood under the covered entrance while snow slid from the roof in soft piles.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked.
Rachel stared toward the trees.
“I can give you twelve reasons.”
“I only need the true one.”
“They’re all true.”
“Give me the biggest.”
She pulled her gloves on slowly.
“Mark loved her.”
Nathan waited.
“That’s not enough.”
“No.”
Rachel breathed into the cold.
“When she was born, we were trying to save our marriage. Mark knew about you and me. He knew the timing was close.”
Nathan had not known that.
Rachel continued.
“He said he didn’t want a test.”
“Why?”
“Because he was afraid.”
Nathan looked at her.
“He said if she was his, nothing changed. If she was yours, everything changed. He said he already loved her.”
Nathan felt anger rise.
“So he got to choose ignorance for me too?”
Rachel looked at him.
“No. I chose that.”
The snowplow turned around at the end of the drive.
Rachel wiped moisture from her eyelashes.
“I told myself I was protecting everybody. Mark. You. Sophie. Our parents. I told myself biology wasn’t the important part.”
“And now?”
“Now I know that saying biology isn’t everything is not the same as saying it’s nothing.”
Nathan looked down.
“Why did you test after he died?”
“I didn’t. Not for years.”
“Why November?”
Rachel put both hands in her coat pockets.
“Because when Sophie fainted, the doctor asked if there was sudden cardiac death in her biological family.”
Nathan looked at her sharply.
“There isn’t.”
“I know that about your family now. I didn’t then.”
Rachel’s voice cracked.
“I sat there answering questions using Mark’s history, and suddenly I felt like I was lying in a doctor’s office about my own child.”
Nathan did not speak.
“So I ordered the genealogy test because it felt less frightening than calling you. That sounds stupid.”
“It sounds human.”
Rachel looked at him.
He wished he had not said it because kindness felt like surrender.
But it was true.
She continued.
“The first result matched Richard. I thought it had to be an error. So I did another kit through a different service that allowed transfer comparison. Same relationship range.”
“And you called Victoria.”
“Yes.”
“Why not me?”
Rachel gave him a tired look.
“Because you were going to propose.”
“That should have made it more urgent.”
“I know.”
“Did Victoria tell you I was proposing?”
“She didn’t need to. You’re terrible at secrets.”
Nathan almost objected.
May you like
Rachel raised one eyebrow.
“You asked me three months ago whether Victoria preferred pear-shaped or oval diamonds.”
