Chương 10
“Yes.”
“And you said it anyway.”
“Yes.”
Lily stared at her.
Victoria’s eyes filled.
She did not look away.
Lily had imagined this conversation differently.
In some versions Victoria cried and Lily felt powerful.
In others Lily said something perfect enough to make Gloria proud and Richard speechless when she told him later.
Instead Lily felt tired.
“My mom really isn’t coming back,” she said.
Victoria’s mouth trembled.
“I know.”
“No. You know she died. That’s not the same.”
Victoria looked at her.
Lily pushed her chair back.
“I don’t forgive you.”
Victoria nodded.
“Okay.”
“But maybe I will later.”
Victoria’s eyes closed briefly.
“Okay.”
“Don’t make that face.”
“What face?”
“That crying face.”
Victoria laughed unexpectedly.
It sounded awful and real.
“I’m trying not to.”
“Try harder.”
Gloria stood.
“Lily.”
“What?”
“That was a little mean.”
Lily looked at Victoria.
Victoria wiped beneath one eye.
“She’s right.”
“I know.”
On the walk back to the car, Lily kicked a pebble along the sidewalk.
Gloria waited until they reached the corner.
“How do you feel?”
“I don’t know.”
“Good answer.”
“I thought I’d feel better.”
“People are disappointing that way.”
Lily looked up.
“Richard’s waiting, isn’t he?”
“Two blocks away.”
“That’s creepy.”
“It’s progress.”
In January, the court approved extended overnight visits with Richard.
The first weekend was terrible.
Lily hated the house.
Not because it was large.
Because it was quiet.
Gloria’s place had pipes that knocked, a washing machine that vibrated through the kitchen floor, neighbors who argued about parking, and a teenager upstairs who practiced the same four guitar chords every afternoon.
Richard’s house had rugs thick enough to swallow footsteps.
At two in the morning Lily left the guest room and walked down the hall.
She found Richard in the kitchen drinking water.
He looked at her.
“Can’t sleep?”
“No.”
“Me neither.”
“Why?”
“I’m old.”
“That’s not why.”
Richard put the glass down.
“No.”
Lily sat at the island.
He sat opposite her.
For a while neither spoke.
Then Lily said, “I don’t like this house.”
Richard nodded.
“It’s too quiet.”
“I can have—”
She looked at him.
He stopped.
“No. I cannot have somebody install noise.”
Lily smiled.
“I could leave a vacuum cleaner on.”
“That would be expensive electricity.”
“I can afford it.”
She laughed.
Richard smiled.
Then Lily’s smile disappeared.
“My mom was scared at night.”
Richard waited.
“Near the end?”
She nodded.
“She pretended she wasn’t.”
“What did you do?”
“I pretended too.”
Richard looked down.
Lily traced a circle on the counter with one finger.
“She made me promise to find you.”
“Yes.”
“I didn’t want to.”
“I understand.”
“No, you don’t.”
Richard looked at her.
“I thought if I found you, it meant she knew she was going to die.”
The kitchen refrigerator hummed.
Lily’s face folded.
This time she cried.
Not loudly.
She put both hands over her face and bent forward.
Richard stood halfway, then stopped.
“Can I—”
Lily reached for him before he finished.
He crossed the space around the island.
She pressed her face against his sweater.
Richard held her.
Carefully at first.
Then with both arms.
Her shoulders shook.
“I’m mad at her,” Lily said into his chest.
“I know.”
“She made me do everything.”
“I know.”
“She said find you like it was easy.”
“I know.”
“I had to ride two buses.”
Richard closed his eyes.
“I know.”
“You don’t know everything.”
“No.”
Lily cried harder.
Richard rested his cheek against her hair.
“No,” he said again. “I don’t.”
They stood in the kitchen until Lily’s breathing slowed.
At three fourteen in the morning, Richard made toast badly.
Lily ate it anyway.
The second overnight went better.
The third included an argument about brushing teeth.
Richard considered this a triumph.
By March, Denise began discussing permanent placement.
Richard wanted guardianship.
Lily knew that.
She also knew Gloria could not be her permanent foster parent. Gloria had agreed to emergency placement because Lily needed someone immediately. She had aging parents in Puerto Rico, a rotating hospital schedule, and two grandchildren who already spent weekends at her house.
Lily pretended not to know this.
Pretending had been useful in hospitals.
It worked less well now.
At a meeting in Denise’s office, Lily sat between Gloria and Richard.
Mara was present too, but Richard had instructed her not to speak unless asked.
This appeared physically painful for Mara.
Denise opened the discussion.
“The next step is deciding whether to petition for permanent kinship guardianship.”
Richard folded his hands.
Lily looked at Gloria.
Gloria looked back.
“You’re supposed to say something,” Lily said.
Gloria sighed.
“I hate when children are right.”
“You said I can’t stay forever.”
“I said my home may not be the best permanent plan.”
“Same thing.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
Richard remained silent.
Lily noticed.
She hated him for doing exactly what she had asked him to learn.
“What do you think?” she demanded.
Richard looked at her.
“I think I want you to live with me.”
“Why didn’t you say it?”
“Because I am trying not to make your decision for you.”
“That’s annoying too.”
“I’m discovering there is no winning version of this.”
Gloria laughed.
Even Denise smiled.
Lily stared at Richard.
“Would I have to live in your house?”
“No.”
Everyone looked at him.
Richard continued.
“I own other houses.”
Lily groaned.
“That sounded bad.”
“It did.”
Mara rubbed her forehead.
Richard tried again.
“We could move.”
“You’d move?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because you hate my house.”
“You like it.”
“I like you more.”
The room went quiet.
Richard looked annoyed with himself for having said something so direct.
Lily looked at the floor.
“Where?”
“Somewhere with fewer bathrooms.”
Gloria laughed so hard she had to remove her glasses.
Lily smiled.
Then she said, “I want to try.”
Richard’s face changed.
He did not move toward her.
He did not say thank you.
He only asked, “Are you sure?”
“No.”
That answer struck him more deeply than yes would have.
May you like
He nodded.
“All right.”
