Chương 5
“For work.”
“I know.”
“So what are you saying?”
“I’m saying we weren’t okay.”
“You never said we weren’t okay.”
“I tried.”
“When?”
“You’d come home exhausted. I’d ask if we could do something together and you’d say next weekend. Then your dad got sick, and obviously that mattered more, and then—”
“Do not put my father in your affair.”
“I’m not.”
“You just did.”
“I’m explaining how it felt.”
Rachel looked at the clock above the refrigerator.
3:01.
At noon she had been a married woman planning to catch her husband in a lie.
At three she was standing in her kitchen listening to him describe a marriage she apparently had not been participating in.
“Did you want to leave me?”
Ethan’s eyes dropped.
She did not need the answer after that.
Still, she waited.
“I didn’t know.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
“Yes.”
The word entered the room quietly.
Rachel pulled out a stool and sat.
Ethan took a step forward.
She lifted one hand.
He stopped.
“How long?”
“I don’t know.”
“You keep not knowing very specific things.”
“Since February, maybe.”
“Before Vanessa.”
“Yes.”
“So the affair didn’t make you want to leave.”
“No.”
“Then why didn’t you?”
His eyes reddened.
Rachel felt nothing useful in response.
“I was afraid.”
“Of me?”
“Of ending it. Of being wrong.”
“You decided to practice with another woman first?”
“That’s not fair.”
Rachel stared at him.
Ethan closed his eyes.
“No. Sorry. That was stupid.”
“Yes.”
“I didn’t plan this.”
“You bought a plane ticket.”
“I mean the whole thing.”
“There is no whole thing, Ethan. There are individual choices. You made all of them.”
He gripped the edge of the island.
“I know.”
“No, I don’t think you do.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t want you to say anything.”
“Then what are we doing?”
Rachel looked around the kitchen.
Their kitchen.
The pendant light Ethan spent six weekends installing because he refused to hire an electrician until he accidentally shut off power to the freezer and ruined two hundred dollars of food. Rachel could still remember sitting on the floor eating melted ice cream while he swore at the breaker panel.
Seven years reduced to objects was a dangerous thing.
Everything started defending him.
The ugly ceramic bowl they bought in Maine.
His grandmother’s recipe card taped inside a cabinet.
The dent in the refrigerator door from the Thanksgiving he dropped a frozen turkey.
Rachel stood.
“You need to go somewhere tonight.”
His expression changed.
“Rachel.”
“I need one night where I don’t have to listen to you move around upstairs.”
“This is our house.”
“I know.”
“So where am I supposed to go?”
She looked at him.
He rubbed his face.
“Right. Sorry.”
“You keep doing that.”
“What?”
“Saying the worst possible thing and then apologizing when you hear it.”
“I don’t know how to talk to you right now.”
“That makes two of us.”
He stared at the counter.
“I’ll go to Mark’s.”
Rachel almost said, The person you told we were separated?
Instead she asked, “Does Mark know about Vanessa?”
“No.”
“Does anyone?”
“I don’t think so.”
“That’s not an answer I trust anymore.”
“I know.”
He went upstairs to pack.
Rachel remained at the kitchen island.
Five minutes later she heard a drawer close.
Then another.
Normal domestic sounds.
The worst afternoon of her life had normal domestic sounds.
Ethan returned carrying a duffel.
He had removed his wedding ring.
Rachel noticed immediately.
She hated that she noticed.
He caught her looking and glanced at his hand.
“I thought wearing it might feel insulting.”
“Taking it off doesn’t feel better.”
He looked helpless.
“Should I put it back on?”
A laugh escaped her.
“Do you hear yourself?”
“Yes.”
“No. You don’t.”
He put the ring in his pocket.
At the door, he stopped.
“I love you.”
Rachel looked at him.
The sentence should have mattered.
It did, which was worse.
“I believe you,” she said.
His face changed.
“That doesn’t help.”
“No.”
He left.
Rachel locked the door.
Then she sat on the floor of the entryway because her legs had started shaking.
At 4:12, Leah called.
Rachel stared at her sister’s face on the screen.
She let it ring out.
Thirty seconds later Leah called again.
Rachel answered.
“What?”
“Wow.”
“Sorry.”
“No, it’s fine. You sound like someone killed a dog.”
Rachel leaned her head against the wall.
“Ethan’s having an affair.”
Silence.
Then Leah said, “What?”
Rachel closed her eyes.
“He was at the airport with her.”
“What airport?”
“Our airport, Leah.”
“I know, I mean why were you— Never mind. Are you serious?”
“Yes.”
“Oh my God.”
“Please don’t say oh my God.”
“Okay. Okay. I won’t. Where is he?”
“Mark’s.”
“Are you alone?”
“Yes.”
“I’m coming over.”
“No.”
“I’m already looking for my shoes.”
“Leah.”
“What?”
“I don’t want you here.”
Her sister went quiet.
Rachel regretted the phrasing instantly.
“I mean I don’t want anyone here.”
“Okay.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing.”
“I don’t know what else to do.”
“That’s his line.”
Rachel opened her eyes.
“What?”
“You told me last Christmas that whenever Ethan screws something up, he says he doesn’t know what else to do so you’ll tell him.”
Rachel sat straighter.
“I said that?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t remember.”
“You were complaining because he forgot to mail your mom’s package.”
“That was different.”
“I know.”
Rachel stared toward the kitchen.
“I’m tired.”
“Then don’t decide anything tonight.”
“I’m not.”
“Eat something.”
“I had mints.”
“That isn’t food.”
“They were free.”
Leah made a small sound that might have been a laugh and then covered it.
Rachel surprised herself by smiling.
“There,” Leah said. “You’re still annoying.”
“Thank you.”
“Call me if you want me.”
“I will.”
“You probably won’t.”
“No.”
“I love you anyway.”
After the call, Rachel ate toast over the sink.
May you like
She showered.
She slept on Ethan’s side of the bed because lying on her own felt too much like pretending nothing had changed.
