Chương 9
Ethan stared at him.
“It’s been copied thousands of times.”
“I know.”
“So?”
“So I deleted mine.”
“Congratulations.”
Derek’s face tightened.
“You want me to apologize?”
“I don’t want anything from you.”
“That’s convenient.”
Ethan leaned back.
“Why are you here?”
Derek looked toward the window.
“Mom won’t let me stay with her.”
“That sounds like a conversation between you and Mom.”
“I have a place.”
“Great.”
“It’s small.”
Ethan waited.
Derek laughed once.
“You really aren’t going to help me.”
“No.”
“Dad would.”
“Dad paid your rent twice.”
“He helped family.”
“He complained about it for six months.”
Derek looked down.
Ethan studied his brother.
For years Derek’s smugness had seemed effortless. Sitting in the office, it looked more like equipment he had forgotten how to remove.
“I shouldn’t have said that about Claire,” Derek said.
Ethan did not respond.
“I was drunk.”
“You weren’t that drunk.”
“No.”
“You said it because people were laughing.”
Derek’s jaw moved.
“Yes.”
“You liked having the room.”
“I guess.”
“No. Don’t guess.”
Derek looked up.
“Fine. I liked it.”
That answer, more than an apology might have, sounded real.
Derek rubbed his hands together.
“Mom was losing the house. Everyone was weird. You walked in acting like—”
“Careful.”
Derek stopped.
Then tried again.
“I’ve spent my whole life feeling like you walk into a room and everybody adjusts around you.”
Ethan frowned.
“That’s insane.”
“Of course you think that.”
“Derek, you were Mom’s favorite.”
“Exactly.”
Ethan stared at him.
Derek laughed without humor.
“Do you know what being Mom’s favorite means? It means every stupid thing you do gets protected long enough to become a bigger stupid thing.”
The sentence sat between them.
Ethan looked at his brother differently.
Not kindly.
But differently.
Derek continued.
“You left. College. Claire. Your firm. Whatever. You got to be the one who was busy. I stayed close, so every time Mom needed something, I was there. Every time I screwed up, she fixed it. Then I owed her. Then she owed me. I don’t even know.”
“That doesn’t explain Christmas.”
“I know.”
“It doesn’t excuse it.”
“I know.”
“You laughed at a seven-year-old.”
Derek looked down.
“Yes.”
“You mocked her dead mother.”
“Yes.”
“And then you posted half the video.”
Derek’s face reddened.
“Yes.”
Ethan waited.
Derek swallowed.
“I’m sorry.”
It was not a perfect apology.
It did not repair anything.
It did not make Ethan want to hug him.
That helped.
Ethan nodded once.
“I heard you.”
Derek looked up.
“Is that it?”
“For now.”
“Can I see Mia?”
“No.”
Derek flinched.
“I apologized.”
“To me.”
“Okay. I can apologize to her.”
“She doesn’t need your apology because you need relief.”
Derek stared at him.
Ethan almost heard Claire in the sentence and disliked himself slightly for being pleased by that.
Derek stood.
At the door he stopped.
“Mom has the doll’s other shoe.”
Ethan looked up.
“What?”
Derek turned.
“The little black shoe. It fell off before the doll went in. It was under the chair. Mom picked it up after you left.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“Does she still have it?”
“I saw it at the condo.”
Ethan said nothing.
Derek opened the door.
“She keeps it in the kitchen drawer with batteries and tape.”
After he left, Ethan sat for several minutes.
Then he called Nora.
“Did you know Mom has the doll’s shoe?”
“What?”
He told her.
Nora was silent.
Finally she said, “That is the most Mom thing I have ever heard.”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t know. I’m tired of pretending I know what anything means.”
Ethan smiled despite himself.
In April, Margaret mailed the shoe.
No note.
Just a padded envelope addressed to Mia.
Ethan did not give it to her immediately.
He took it to Dr. Patel’s office and asked what she thought.
Dr. Patel did not tell him what to do.
Ethan found this irritating.
“I’m paying you specifically for answers.”
“You are paying me to help Mia.”
“I would also accept answers.”
She smiled.
“What are you worried will happen if you give it to her?”
“She’ll think it means she has to forgive Margaret.”
“Has anyone told her that?”
“No.”
“What are you worried will happen if you don’t?”
Ethan looked at the envelope.
“That I start deciding which parts of reality she’s allowed to see.”
Dr. Patel waited.
He sighed.
“I liked you better when you were recommending breathing exercises.”
“I have never recommended breathing exercises to you.”
“Exactly.”
That night Ethan put the envelope on the kitchen table.
Mia opened it after dinner.
The little black cloth shoe fell into her palm.
She stared at it.
“Grandma had this?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“Did she say sorry?”
“No note.”
Mia turned the shoe over.
One edge was singed.
“Can I put it back on?”
“Yes.”
They found the doll in her bedroom.
Ethan had become better at sewing.
Not good.
Better.
He attached the shoe while Mia watched.
When he finished, she said, “It’s crooked.”
“Family tradition.”
Mia smiled.
Then she asked, “Does Grandma still live alone?”
“Yes.”
“Does Uncle Derek live there?”
“No.”
“Good.”
Ethan tied off the thread.
Mia touched the shoe.
“Can I send Grandma something?”
His hands stopped.
“What?”
“I don’t know yet.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I know.”
He looked at her.
“What do you want to send?”
Mia went to her desk.
She came back with a sheet of paper and crayons.
She drew for twenty minutes.
When she finished, she showed Ethan.
It was a picture of the doll.
One side blue.
One side black.
Underneath, in large uneven letters, she had written:
I FIXED HER.
Ethan stared at it.
“That’s what you want to send?”
“Yes.”
“Anything else?”
Mia thought.
Then she added:
I AM NOT COMING OVER YET.
Ethan looked at her.
“Okay.”
Margaret replied a week later.
Her letter was six pages.
Ethan read it first because Mia asked him to.
May you like
Most of it was too much.
Margaret explained herself. Defended herself. Repeated herself. Described losing the house as though the building had died. Wrote about Claire in ways Ethan disliked. Wrote about being lonely in the condominium. Wrote that Derek had finally found an apartment and never called unless he needed something.
