Chương 5
Sarah asked whether he would be comfortable if she read every message.
He said no.
That was enough.
He ended the friendship.
Or said he did.
Two months later Sarah learned he had spoken to Elise again.
Not because she caught another message.
Because Daniel told her.
That confession was supposed to be proof he was trying to change.
To Sarah, it proved she would always have to wonder.
They began couples therapy in September.
They stopped in November after a session where the therapist asked each of them whether they wanted the marriage or merely wanted not to destroy the family.
Sarah had cried in the parking lot.
Daniel had stared through the windshield.
Neither had answered.
Three days later Sarah called an attorney.
Now her mother sat across the Christmas table and said, “You don’t have to tell Leo why the marriage failed. But you do have to tell him what his life will look like.”
Daniel nodded.
Sarah looked at him.
“You have the apartment schedule?”
“In my email.”
“The proposed one?”
“Yes.”
“Print it.”
Her mother interrupted.
“No.”
Sarah frowned.
“No?”
“Do not hand an eight-year-old a custody schedule like it’s a conference itinerary.”
“It’s not custody yet.”
“That word will not improve it.”
Frank sat down.
“Your mother is right.”
Everyone looked at him.
He frowned.
“What? I can be right.”
Sarah’s mother ignored him.
“Tell him where he’s sleeping this week. Tell him who takes him to school. Tell him whether soccer changes. Tell him whether his dog moves. Give him information he can hold.”
The dog, under the table, thumped his tail when he heard nothing but perhaps recognized the attention.
Daniel looked down.
“Cooper stays here.”
Sarah had assumed the same.
She had not thought about how Leo would hear it.
She looked toward the stairs.
Two homes.
Two beds.
Two toothbrushes.
One dog.
They found Leo in his room sorting socks.
Not packing.
Sorting.
All the blue socks in one pile.
Gray in another.
One green sock sat by itself.
Sarah sat on the floor near the door.
Daniel remained standing until Leo looked at him.
“Sit,” Leo said.
Daniel sat.
They told him the immediate plan.
Daniel would move Tuesday.
Leo would stay at the house Tuesday night.
Wednesday after work Daniel would pick him up for dinner and show him the apartment.
No overnight unless Leo wanted it.
Thursday Sarah would take him to his dentist appointment.
Friday Daniel would come to the house in the morning because Sarah had to work.
School resumed January fifth.
Nothing about his school changed.
Nothing about soccer changed.
He could call either parent whenever he wanted.
Cooper would stay at the house because the apartment charged a pet fee and, more importantly, because Sarah had been Cooper’s person since he was a puppy.
Leo listened.
Then he asked, “When do I sleep there?”
Daniel said, “We haven’t decided the whole schedule yet.”
“So you’re deciding where I live without me?”
Sarah’s stomach tightened.
“We’re deciding with help from people whose job is to make sure families do this fairly.”
“Lawyers?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t want a lawyer deciding where I sleep.”
“They don’t decide,” Sarah said. “Your dad and I do.”
“Then decide.”
Daniel rubbed his forehead.
“We’re trying.”
“You already decided to divorce.”
The room went quiet.
Leo picked up the single green sock.
“Why?”
Sarah looked at Daniel.
He looked at her.
Leo threw the sock onto the blue pile.
“See?”
“What?” Sarah asked.
“You always look at each other before you answer me.”
Neither knew what to say.
Leo’s voice grew quieter.
“Did somebody do something?”
Sarah drew a breath.
“Your dad and I hurt each other in ways that made it very hard for us to be married.”
“What ways?”
“Adult ways.”
“That means you won’t tell me.”
“It means they aren’t things you should have to carry.”
His mouth tightened.
“That’s what you said about the divorce.”
Sarah took that.
She let it sit there.
Daniel spoke.
“You’re right.”
Sarah turned toward him.
He continued.
“We used protecting you as an excuse not to have a hard conversation.”
Leo watched him.
Daniel’s eyes were wet but his voice stayed level.
“That was wrong.”
Sarah swallowed.
“Yes,” she said. “It was.”
Leo picked at a loose thread on his jeans.
“Did Dad get another girlfriend?”
Daniel went completely still.
Sarah felt something old and hot rise behind her ribs.
Leo saw Daniel’s face.
“Oh.”
“No,” Daniel said quickly. “I do not have a girlfriend.”
“But there was somebody.”
Sarah closed her eyes.
Daniel said, “There was someone I talked to when I should have been talking to your mom.”
Leo frowned.
“Like cheating?”
“No.”
Sarah opened her eyes.
Daniel looked at her.
She could have contradicted him.
She could have said emotional affair.
She could have said betrayal.
She could have made the word sharp enough to cut through the room and lodge forever in the way Leo saw his father.
Part of her wanted to.
That part embarrassed her.
She looked at their son.
“It was a problem between us,” she said. “And it wasn’t the only problem.”
Leo nodded slowly.
“Did Mom do something?”
Daniel answered this time.
“Your mom got hurt by me. Then we both got really bad at being kind to each other.”
Sarah almost laughed at how inadequate that was.
It was also true.
Leo looked at her.
“Did you file the papers?”
“Yes.”
“So you want the divorce.”
Sarah hated the simplicity of the sentence.
“I decided I couldn’t keep living the way we were living.”
“That means yes.”
“Yes.”
Daniel looked at the floor.
Leo’s eyes moved to him.
“Do you?”
Daniel took a long time.
“I don’t want our family to hurt like it has been hurting.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
Sarah nearly said his name.
Daniel lifted a hand slightly, stopping her.
“I know.”
May you like
He looked at Leo.
“I did not want the divorce when your mom first said she wanted one.”
