Chương 13
“That is objectively true.”
“She makes the cinnamon oatmeal right.”
“I follow the instructions.”
“You put raisins.”
“She put raisins.”
“No, she put cranberries.”
Daniel stared.
This detail felt unfairly important.
Lucy continued.
“She knew when I didn’t want people touching me.”
Daniel’s expression changed.
“At school?”
“Everywhere.”
He waited.
Lucy shrugged.
“When I was sad.”
Daniel leaned back.
“Did Elise ever hurt you?”
“No.”
“Did she ever tell you to keep secrets from me?”
Lucy thought.
“She said don’t tell you about your birthday present.”
“Anything else?”
“No.”
“Did she ever say bad things about your mom?”
Lucy looked down.
“Sometimes.”
“What?”
“She said Mom was too sick to love us right.”
Daniel’s jaw tightened.
“Anything else?”
“She said dead people can’t come back.”
That sentence stayed with him.
He asked Noah separately.
Noah did not want to see Elise.
Then he did.
Then he didn’t again.
Two days before the proposed meeting he knocked on Daniel’s bedroom door.
“If Lucy goes, I’m going.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I know.”
“You can change your mind.”
“I know.”
Daniel waited.
Noah looked irritated.
“Can you stop looking at me like that?”
“Like what?”
“Like I’m emotionally complicated.”
“You are emotionally complicated.”
“You’re worse.”
“Fair.”
The meeting took place in a therapist’s office on a rainy Saturday.
Elise arrived five minutes early.
Daniel had not seen her in almost three months.
She wore navy trousers, a cream blouse, and flat shoes. Her hair was still pinned in the same low bun, but there was gray at one temple he had never noticed before.
She had lost weight.
Daniel disliked himself for observing it.
The children entered with the therapist.
Elise stood.
Lucy stopped.
For a second nobody moved.
Then Lucy ran to her.
Elise crouched and held her.
Her face collapsed.
She made no sound.
Noah remained near the door.
Elise did not reach for him.
After Lucy stepped back, Elise wiped her face.
“Hi, Noah.”
“Hi.”
“You got taller.”
He rolled his eyes.
“Mom said that too.”
Something passed across Elise’s face.
“I bet.”
They sat.
The therapist asked the children if they had questions.
Lucy had seven.
Did Elise still live in an apartment?
Yes.
Did she have a Christmas tree?
Not yet.
Did she still have the blue sweater?
Yes.
Did she hate Mom?
Elise looked at Daniel.
He gave her nothing.
“No,” she said.
Lucy frowned.
“That was too fast.”
Elise almost smiled.
“You’re right.”
She folded her hands.
“I was angry at your mom for a long time. I was afraid of what would happen if she came back. I told myself things about her that made what I was doing feel less wrong.”
Lucy looked at the therapist.
“What does that mean?”
“It means I lied to myself too,” Elise said.
Noah spoke for the first time.
“Did you want us to think she was dead?”
Elise closed her eyes.
“At first, no.”
“At first.”
“No.”
“When did you?”
Elise opened her eyes.
“When the police started searching, I thought I could still tell your dad the truth. Then more time passed. Then everybody believed she was dead. And I…”
Her voice caught.
Noah waited.
“I let it happen.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
Elise looked at him.
“No. At some point I did want you to keep believing it.”
Lucy’s hand tightened around the locket under her shirt.
“Why?”
“Because I was afraid if your mom came back, I would lose you.”
Noah’s expression hardened.
“So you made us lose her.”
Elise nodded.
“Yes.”
No defense.
No qualification.
Daniel looked down at his hands.
Noah stared at her.
“Did you love us?”
“Yes.”
“That makes it worse.”
“I know.”
He stood.
The therapist asked, “Do you need a break?”
“No.”
Noah looked at Elise.
“I wanted you to say you didn’t.”
Her face crumpled.
“Why?”
“Because then it would make sense.”
Elise covered her mouth.
Noah turned away.
Daniel wanted to go to him.
The therapist had warned him not to intervene too quickly.
He stayed seated.
After a few seconds, Noah sat down again.
Elise said, “I’m sorry.”
He looked at her.
“I know you don’t have to forgive me.”
“Good.”
“I’m not asking you to.”
“Good.”
Lucy whispered, “I forgive you a little.”
Noah looked at her.
Lucy shrugged.
“I can do what I want.”
“You’re seven.”
“I’m almost eight.”
Elise laughed through tears.
Daniel looked at the ceiling.
The meeting ended after forty minutes.
At the door, Lucy hugged Elise again.
Noah did not.
But as he passed her, he stopped.
“You put cranberries in the oatmeal.”
Elise blinked.
“What?”
“Dad keeps using raisins.”
Despite everything, she smiled.
“He never listens.”
“I am standing here,” Daniel said.
Noah looked at Elise.
“Bye.”
“Bye, Noah.”
That was all.
In the hallway Daniel stayed behind while the children walked with the therapist toward the waiting room.
Elise picked up her coat.
“Thank you.”
“Don’t.”
“I’m not asking for anything else.”
“Good.”
She nodded.
Daniel noticed her hands shaking.
He remembered those hands buttoning Lucy’s coat. Packing Noah’s lunches. Signing birthday cards.
He remembered the same hands closing a laptop after sending messages under his name.
Human beings refused to become simple even when simplicity would have been merciful.
“Elise.”
She looked up.
“Why did you keep the locket?”
She was quiet.
“I don’t know.”
“You said you were going to destroy it.”
“I was.”
“But you didn’t.”
“No.”
“Why?”
She looked at the floor.
“Because Rachel’s note was inside.”
“Please tell them I am alive.”
“Yes.”
Daniel waited.
Elise swallowed.
“I read it every day for a week.”
“Why?”
“I think I wanted to become the person who could walk downstairs and hand it to you.”
His throat tightened.
“But you didn’t.”
“No.”
“You put it in a drawer.”
“Yes.”
“And Noah found it.”
“Yes.”
Daniel looked toward the waiting room where he could hear Lucy complaining about a vending machine.
“Elise, I don’t know what happens legally.”
May you like
“I know.”
“I’m filing for divorce.”
