Chương 14
She dried her hands.
“I know.”
“I needed to know what I wanted first.”
She looked at him.
“And do you?”
“No.”
That stopped her.
Ryan leaned against the counter.
“I don’t know what I want from him. I don’t know if I want anything. But I keep thinking about what he said on the tape. Come because I need something for myself.”
His mother looked down.
“I hate that he gets to sound wise.”
Ryan laughed softly.
“Me too.”
She sat.
“What if he manipulates you?”
“Then I leave.”
“What if he blames me?”
“Then I leave.”
“What if he’s sick?”
“I don’t know.”
“What if he asks you for money?”
“I say no.”
“What if—”
“Mom.”
She stopped.
Ryan sat beside her.
“I’m going.”
Her eyes filled.
She looked angry at herself for it.
“I know.”
He took her hand.
“You don’t have to forgive him because I meet him.”
“I know.”
“You don’t have to change your story.”
She looked at him.
“Maybe I do.”
Ryan waited.
She shook her head.
“Not the facts. The shape.”
He understood.
The prison approval took five weeks.
Ryan drove to Pennsylvania alone.
He considered asking Walter, then did not.
The trip took most of a day with stops.
He stayed in a cheap hotel fifteen minutes from the prison.
That night, he ordered a burger and barely ate it.
He watched half of a baseball game without absorbing the score.
At 11:30, he called his mother.
“You there?”
“Yeah.”
“How’s the hotel?”
“Carpet is a crime.”
She laughed.
“Did you bring the good pillow?”
“No.”
“I told you.”
“I’m twenty-three.”
“Apparently that means neck pain doesn’t exist.”
Ryan smiled.
They talked about nothing for five minutes.
Then she said, “You can still leave.”
“I know.”
“I won’t think less of you.”
“I know.”
“Okay.”
He looked out the hotel window at the parking lot.
“Mom?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
A pause.
“I love you too.”
The next morning, Ryan entered the prison.
There was no music.
No revelation waiting in a dramatic room.
There were forms.
A metal detector.
A locker for his phone.
Rules repeated twice.
A vending machine.
A correctional officer who looked bored.
Ryan’s hands shook when he signed the visitor log.
He hated that.
Then the door opened.
Daniel Parker entered wearing prison clothing.
Ryan knew him instantly.
Not because he looked exactly like the photograph.
Age had changed him.
His hair was mostly gray and thinner than Walter’s. His shoulders had narrowed. He walked with a slight stiffness in one leg.
But the eyes were Ryan’s.
Or Ryan’s were his.
Daniel stopped.
Ryan stopped too.
Neither moved.
Then Daniel gave a small, uncertain smile.
“Hey.”
Ryan had imagined dozens of first words.
None included hey.
“Hi.”
Daniel sat.
Ryan sat across from him.
The table was bolted to the floor.
For several seconds, they stared at each other.
Daniel looked at Ryan’s hair.
Ryan almost laughed remembering the first letter.
Daniel rubbed his palms on his pants.
“You have hair.”
Ryan did laugh.
It escaped before he could stop it.
Daniel’s face broke into a real smile.
Then both men became quiet.
Ryan said, “I heard the tape.”
Daniel’s smile faded.
“Okay.”
“I read the letters.”
“Okay.”
“I found the ledgers.”
Daniel stared.
“What?”
Ryan watched him carefully.
“The storage locker.”
Daniel’s face lost color.
“You found 214.”
“Yes.”
Daniel looked down.
For the first time, Ryan saw fear.
“Walter?”
“Alive.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“I know.”
Daniel rubbed his forehead.
“What happened?”
“Federal investigators took the records.”
Daniel closed his eyes.
Ryan waited.
After a moment, Daniel said, “I thought the locker was gone.”
“Why did you keep them?”
Daniel looked at him.
“Insurance.”
“Against who?”
“Everybody.”
Ryan’s stomach tightened.
There was no noble answer.
Daniel continued.
“Walter. The guys running things. Me.”
“You?”
“If somebody tried to put more on me than I did.”
Ryan nodded slowly.
“So you weren’t saving evidence to make things right.”
Daniel almost smiled.
“No.”
“Good.”
Daniel frowned.
“Good?”
“I’m tired of discovering you were secretly noble.”
That earned a dry laugh.
“I can probably help with that.”
Ryan looked at him.
The humor disappeared.
“Did you love my mother?”
“Yes.”
“Did you abuse her?”
Daniel flinched.
Ryan watched.
“Answer.”
“Yes.”
The directness surprised him.
Daniel looked at the table.
“I never hit her.”
“That sounds like a technical defense.”
Daniel nodded.
“It is.”
Ryan said nothing.
“I shoved her once. Broke things. Blocked doorways when she tried to leave an argument. Drove too fast when I was angry and she was in the car.”
Ryan’s jaw tightened.
Daniel continued.
“I made her calculate me.”
“What does that mean?”
“She had to know what mood I was in before she could decide what kind of evening she was going to have.”
Ryan stared.
Daniel’s eyes stayed on the table.
“That’s abuse.”
Ryan swallowed.
“Yes.”
Silence.
A correctional officer walked past.
Somebody laughed at another table.
The ordinary sounds made the conversation feel almost indecent.
Ryan said, “She lied to me.”
Daniel looked up.
“About you being alive.”
Daniel’s face changed.
“What did she tell you?”
“That you were gone. Later, basically dead.”
Daniel leaned back.
Ryan expected anger.
Instead Daniel nodded.
“I can see why.”
“That doesn’t bother you?”
“Of course it bothers me.”
“Then say it.”
Daniel looked at him.
“It hurts.”
Ryan waited.
Daniel’s mouth tightened.
“It hurts that my son grew up thinking I was dead.”
Ryan felt his chest constrict.
Daniel continued.
“And I understand why she did it.”
Both statements stayed in the room.
Ryan looked down at his hands.
“Did you ever try to contact me directly?”
“Once.”
“When?”
“When you turned eighteen.”
Ryan looked up.
“What happened?”
“I sent a letter.”
“To where?”
“Your house.”
Ryan’s pulse changed.
“I never got it.”
Daniel nodded.
“I figured.”
Ryan stared.
“Did Mom take it?”
“I don’t know.”
Ryan felt anger rising.
Daniel saw it.
May you like
“Don’t decide before you ask.”
The words irritated him because they were reasonable.
