Chương 14
When I returned to Denise’s house, Emma and Sophie were sitting at the kitchen table painting each other’s nails.
Lily was on the floor building a structure out of wooden blocks with Denise’s dog sleeping in the middle of it.
Emma looked up.
“You’re back.”
“Yes.”
She studied my face.
Children should not become experts at reading their parents that quickly.
I sat across from her.
“Your dad wants to see you and Lily this afternoon.”
The brush stopped halfway across Sophie’s thumbnail.
Sophie looked down immediately.
Emma said, “At Grandma’s?”
“No.”
“Is Grandma coming?”
“No.”
Her shoulders loosened.
“Where?”
“The library.”
Emma frowned.
“That’s weird.”
“I know.”
“Why a library?”
“Because it’s neutral.”
She made a face.
“That sounds like lawyer language.”
“It is.”
“Are you coming?”
“No.”
The brush touched the nail again, but she was no longer painting carefully.
“Why?”
“Because this is time with Dad.”
“Are we staying with him?”
“No.”
“Are we going to his house?”
“Not today.”
She looked at me for a long moment.
Then she said, “Okay.”
I hated how much I had begun to fear that word.
“Emma, you can tell me if you’re uncomfortable.”
She glanced at Sophie.
Sophie immediately stood.
“I have to go show my mom something.”
Nobody had asked her to leave.
She disappeared anyway.
Emma waited until the back door closed.
“What if Dad gets mad?”
“Then you call me.”
“What if he takes our phones?”
“He won’t.”
“You don’t know.”
I paused.
She was right.
“No.”
“I don’t know for sure.”
I reached into my purse and took out a cheap prepaid phone I had bought on the way back from Natalie’s office.
“I got this.”
Emma stared at it.
“What is that?”
“A phone.”
“It looks ancient.”
“It makes calls.”
“Barely, probably.”
I smiled despite myself.
“It stays in your backpack.”
“Does Dad know?”
“No.”
“Is that lying?”
The question caught me.
“No.”
Then I reconsidered.
“It’s not telling him something.”
“That’s kind of lying.”
“Sometimes adults keep information private for safety.”
She looked unconvinced.
I was unconvinced too.
Parenting became murky quickly once trust collapsed.
I placed the phone on the table.
“If you feel scared, call me.”
“Am I supposed to be scared?”
“No.”
She picked at a streak of blue polish on her thumb.
“Then why do I need the secret phone?”
There it was.
The contradiction I had created because fear made me want guarantees.
I took the phone back.
“You’re right.”
She looked surprised.
“I am?”
“Don’t sound so shocked.”
“I’m usually right.”
“Absolutely not.”
A tiny smile appeared.
Then I set the prepaid phone beside my purse.
“You can take your regular phone.”
“Dad knows I have it.”
“Yes.”
“And Claire will be there?”
“Nearby.”
Emma considered this.
“Okay.”
When Denise drove the girls to the library, I stayed in her kitchen.
The house became painfully quiet.
Denise’s dog wandered back in, looked at me, and apparently concluded I was less interesting than the couch.
I made coffee I did not drink.
At 1:17, Mark texted.
They’re here.
I did not reply.
At 1:32, another message came.
Emma barely talks to me.
I typed, Give her time.
Then deleted it.
This was his time with her.
He had asked for it.
I was not going to coach him through it from seventeen minutes away.
At 1:54, Claire texted.
Everything okay.
Mark took them to the courtyard.
Lily made him buy her a cookie.
I smiled.
That sounded like Lily.
At 2:21, my phone rang.
Emma.
I answered before the second ring.
“Hi.”
Her voice was low.
“Mom?”
“What happened?”
“Nothing.”
The word came too quickly.
“Where are you?”
“Bathroom.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yes.”
I waited.
She breathed into the phone.
“Dad cried.”
I sat down.
“Oh.”
“I’ve never seen Dad cry.”
“Okay.”
“He said he misses us.”
“I’m sure he does.”
“He said the house feels empty.”
I pressed my fingers against my forehead.
“That’s probably true.”
“He asked if you’re going to take the building.”
There it was.
I closed my eyes.
“What did you say?”
“I said I didn’t know what he meant.”
“Good.”
“He told me it’s where his company is.”
“That’s true.”
“Why is he asking me?”
My anger rose so fast that I had to slow my breathing.
“He shouldn’t be.”
“He said he wasn’t asking me to choose.”
“Did he say anything else?”
“He said if the company closes, a lot of people lose their jobs.”
I stood.
The kitchen suddenly felt too small.
“Emma, listen to me.”
“Okay.”
“That is adult business.”
“It is not yours to fix.”
“I know.”
“Do you want to leave?”
A long pause.
“No.”
That surprised me.
“Are you sure?”
“He apologized.”
My grip tightened around the phone.
“For what?”
“For saying Grandma was right.”
I said nothing.
Emma continued.
“He said he was angry at you and embarrassed and he picked her side because he didn’t want her mad at him.”
That sounded more like Mark than any polished apology ever could.
“What did you say?”
“I said that was stupid.”
A laugh escaped me.
Emma lowered her voice.
“He said it was.”
I sat down again.
Then she added, “But I still don’t want to see Grandma.”
“You don’t have to today.”
“Dad said I don’t.”
Relief moved through me, complicated and unwelcome.
Mark had done one thing right.
It did not erase anything.
It mattered anyway.
“Do you want to stay until the two hours are over?”
“Yes.”
“Then stay.”
“Okay.”
She paused.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Don’t close Dad’s company because of me.”
The words landed so hard I could not answer immediately.
“Emma.”
“I don’t want people losing jobs because Grandma smashed my cake.”
“That is not your responsibility.”
“I know.”
Her voice trembled.
“But please don’t.”
I closed my eyes.
“I’m not making any decisions because of you.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
May you like
After she hung up, I sat alone at Denise’s kitchen table with a cup of cold coffee between my hands.
The divorce had started as something between Mark and me.
