Chương 4
Then I saw the words underneath one date.
“Subject remains compliant.”
I stopped breathing.
Claire took the notebook from my hands.
She read the page.
Then she looked at me.
“Anna.”
I stepped closer.
“What?”
She turned the notebook around.
There were other names.
Not many.
Just three.
And beside each name were dates.
Notes.
Observations.
The oldest entry was almost two years before I met Marcus.
I stared at the names until the letters stopped looking like names.
They became marks.
Evidence.
A list of people who had existed in Marcus’s life before I ever knew him.
Claire turned the notebook back toward herself.
“Do you recognize any of these?”
I shook my head.
“No.”
The answer came too quickly.
Not because I was certain.
Because my mind refused to create space for it.
Marcus had a notebook.
Marcus had tracked me.
Marcus had tracked other women.
The facts were sitting in front of me, but my brain kept trying to rearrange them into something less painful.
Maybe it was work.
Maybe there was a medical explanation.
Maybe he was helping someone.
Maybe.
That word had carried me through the entire marriage.
Maybe.
Claire closed the notebook.
“We need to get this out of the house.”
I looked toward the hallway.
“No.”
She frowned.
“Anna.”
“If he notices it’s gone, he knows we found it.”
“He already knows something is wrong.”
“Not this.”
My voice came out sharper than I intended.
Claire looked at me.
I lowered it.
“Not yet.”
She studied me for a moment.
Then she placed the notebook back exactly where we found it.
That was the hardest thing I had ever done.
Leaving proof behind.
Walking away from the one thing that made me feel less crazy.
But Claire was right about one thing.
Marcus was careful.
And careful people noticed when things moved.
We returned upstairs before sunrise.
Claire stayed in the guest room.
I went back to my bedroom.
The sheets were still warm from where I had been pretending to sleep hours earlier.
I stood beside the bed and looked at Marcus.
He was lying on his side, facing away from me.
His breathing was slow.
Peaceful.
I wondered how many times I had watched that same back while believing I was married to someone who would protect me.
I wondered how many times he had watched mine.
I climbed into bed.
Not because I trusted him.
Because I needed to act like I did.
The sun came up slowly.
The house returned to normal.
That was another thing I hated.
The world did not know anything had changed.
The neighbors still walked their dogs.
The mail carrier still dropped envelopes into boxes.
Someone nearby started a lawn mower at eight in the morning.
A normal Saturday.
A normal street.
A normal life.
Except mine had split open overnight.
Marcus woke at 7:14.
I knew because I was watching the clock.
He turned toward me and smiled.
“Did you sleep?”
The question almost made me laugh.
Instead, I nodded.
“A little.”
He touched my shoulder.
The same gentle gesture he had used a thousand times.
“You look exhausted.”
I looked at him.
Really looked.
There was no obvious sign.
No guilt.
No panic.
No crack in the person I thought I knew.
That scared me more than anger would have.
“I had a weird night,” I said.
His hand stopped.
Only for a second.
“What happened?”
“I don’t know.”
A careful answer.
A test.
He waited.
I looked away.
“Maybe stress.”
Marcus nodded slowly.
“Maybe.”
He said the word exactly the way I had said it to myself for weeks.
I got out of bed.
“I’m going to make coffee.”
“I’ll do it.”
“No.”
The word surprised both of us.
I softened my voice.
“I mean, I can.”
Marcus smiled.
“Okay.”
Downstairs, I stood in front of the coffee machine and tried not to shake.
My hands knew the routine.
Coffee.
Filter.
Water.
Grounds.
Small movements.
Things I could control.
Marcus entered the kitchen behind me.
“I’m glad Claire came over.”
I kept my back turned.
“Are you?”
“Of course.”
The answer was immediate.
Too immediate.
I poured the coffee.
“Why?”
He leaned against the counter.
“Because you need people.”
The sentence sounded kind.
But something about it bothered me.
“You say that like I don’t have people.”
“You know what I mean.”
I did.
And I hated that I did.
For years, Marcus had slowly become the center of my life.
Not intentionally.
Not in a dramatic way.
It happened through small things.
He handled the bills because he was better with numbers.
He scheduled appointments because my calendar was always chaotic.
He talked to repair people because he liked dealing with strangers.
He knew the passwords because we shared everything.
Every choice had made sense.
Every step had been reasonable.
That was how people lost pieces of themselves.
Not through one giant moment.
Through hundreds of tiny ones.
“I have to work today,” I said.
Marcus nodded.
“Client project?”
“Yes.”
“Don’t overdo it.”
I almost smiled.
The irony was too much.
“Right.”
He looked at me carefully.
“What?”
I shook my head.
“Nothing.”
But it wasn't nothing anymore.
Nothing was gone.
After breakfast, Marcus left for an appointment.
He kissed my forehead before walking out.
I stood in the doorway watching his car disappear.
Claire came outside a minute later.
“You okay?”
“No.”
She nodded.
“Good.”
I looked at her.
“Good?”
“You’re saying the truth now.”
I looked down the street.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
Claire leaned against the porch railing.
“That’s because you’re trying to solve everything at once.”
“I need answers.”
“You need options.”
The difference mattered.
She was right.
Answers could come later.
Options came first.
We spent the next two hours making a plan.
Not a dramatic plan.
Not a revenge plan.
A practical one.
We photographed the notebook pages.
We wrote down dates.
We listed everything I remembered.
May you like
The tea.
The confusion.
