Chương 11
If someday you want to know me differently, I will be available.
If you never want that, I will accept it.
Ethan read the copy afterward.
He hated that it was a good letter.
He hated that Ryan remembered the lasagna.
Mostly, he hated that some small part of him was relieved Ryan had noticed Sophie at all.
Six months after the wedding, Sophie asked to see him.
Not because of the letter.
Because another child at school said Ryan was her “real dad” after seeing something online.
Ethan drove to the school furious.
By the time he arrived, he had become furious at the internet, the other child, the other child’s parents, Ryan, Thomas, Maya, himself, and possibly society in general.
Sophie climbed into the truck.
“Don’t yell at anybody.”
“I wasn’t going to.”
“You have the face.”
“What face?”
“The face where your eyebrows do the thing.”
Ethan adjusted his expression.
“Better?”
“No.”
He drove.
After three blocks Sophie said, “Is Ryan famous?”
“No.”
“Then why is he on the internet?”
“Because people like other people’s problems.”
“That’s weird.”
“Yes.”
“Lucy said he’s my real dad.”
Ethan tightened his hands on the wheel.
Sophie watched him.
“Your eyebrows.”
“Sorry.”
She looked out the window.
“Can I meet him?”
Ethan’s first instinct was no.
It arrived whole and immediate.
He let it sit.
“Why?”
“I want to ask him something.”
“What?”
“I don’t want to tell you.”
That hurt.
He nodded anyway.
“Okay.”
“Okay I can meet him?”
“Okay, we’ll talk to Mom and your therapist and figure out what makes sense.”
Sophie groaned.
“Why does everything need meetings?”
“You’re going to love adulthood.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Smart.”
The meeting took place in Sophie’s therapist’s office.
Ryan arrived ten minutes early.
Ethan arrived fifteen minutes early.
Neither mentioned it.
Ryan wore dark pants and a blue shirt.
No tie.
He looked thinner.
Sophie entered holding Gerald the dinosaur.
Ryan stood.
Then seemed unsure whether standing was too formal.
He sat again.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
Sophie climbed into the chair opposite him.
Ethan and Maya remained nearby.
The therapist sat slightly apart.
Ryan looked at Gerald.
“Who’s that?”
“Gerald.”
“Good name.”
“He bites liars.”
Ryan’s face changed.
Ethan looked down to hide a reaction.
Sophie continued.
“Not really.”
“Still,” Ryan said, “I’ll be careful.”
That answer seemed to satisfy her.
She studied him.
“You have my eyes.”
Ryan swallowed.
“Yeah.”
“Did you know?”
“Yes.”
“For a long time?”
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Ryan’s hands tightened together.
“I was scared.”
“Of me?”
“No.”
“Dad said grown-ups say scared when they don’t want to say all the other things.”
Ethan looked at the carpet.
The therapist was definitely going to charge him extra.
Ryan gave a small breath.
“I was afraid I would lose my family, my job, and the person I was going to marry. And I was ashamed because I had lied for so long that telling the truth kept getting harder.”
Sophie looked at Maya.
“Did Mom know?”
“Yes,” Maya said.
Sophie looked at Ethan.
“You didn’t?”
“No.”
She stared at Gerald.
Nobody interrupted.
Finally she looked at Ryan.
“Did you push me?”
“No.”
“Did you tell that lady to?”
Ryan’s face tightened.
“No.”
“Did you tell her to make us disappear?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
Ryan looked toward Ethan once.
Then back at Sophie.
“Because I was afraid people would learn you were my biological daughter.”
“Why was that bad?”
Ryan’s eyes filled.
He blinked quickly.
“It wasn’t bad.”
“Then why?”
“Because I had made it bad in my head.”
Sophie frowned.
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“No,” Ryan said. “It doesn’t.”
She looked at him for another moment.
“Are you going to jail?”
The therapist shifted slightly.
Ryan answered carefully.
“I don’t know.”
“Would you tell me if you did?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.”
Sophie leaned back.
Gerald rested on her lap.
“I don’t want to call you Dad.”
Ryan’s jaw moved.
“That’s okay.”
“I have a dad.”
“I know.”
Ethan stared at the floor.
Sophie continued.
“But maybe you can still be Uncle Ryan.”
Ryan closed his eyes for half a second.
“If that’s what you want.”
“You have to stop lying.”
“Yes.”
“And don’t get married for a while.”
Maya covered her mouth.
Ryan almost smiled.
“That seems reasonable.”
“Claire is nice.”
“I know.”
“Mom says you hurt her.”
“I did.”
“Are you sorry?”
“Yes.”
“Does she forgive you?”
“No.”
Sophie nodded.
“Okay.”
Children accepted consequences more cleanly than adults.
The meeting lasted thirty-two minutes.
Afterward, in the parking lot, Ryan approached Ethan.
He stopped several feet away.
“Thank you.”
“Don’t.”
Ryan nodded.
They stood there.
Cars moved through the lot.
Someone nearby struggled to fit a stroller into a trunk.
A dog barked from an open window.
Ryan said, “I used to think you got everything right.”
Ethan looked at him.
“Were you drunk?”
Ryan smiled faintly.
“No.”
“I got divorced at twenty-six.”
“I know.”
“I dropped out of graduate school.”
“You went back.”
“I punched a guy at Dad’s company Christmas party.”
“He deserved it.”
“He was sixty.”
“He was awful.”
Ethan laughed.
Ryan did too.
Then it disappeared.
Ryan said, “Dad always acted like you could survive consequences.”
Ethan waited.
“And me?”
Ryan looked across the parking lot.
“He always fixed mine.”
“That wasn’t your choice when you were a kid.”
“No.”
“But it was later.”
“Yes.”
Ethan put his hands in his pockets.
“I’m not forgiving you.”
“I know.”
Five dollars, Ethan thought.
He did not say it.
Ryan continued.
“I don’t expect you to.”
“That’s good.”
“I just wanted you to know I’m not going to fight you for Sophie.”
Ethan’s expression hardened.
“She isn’t mine to win.”
“I know.”
Another five.
Ryan gave a tired smile.
“I’m serious. My lawyer explained what I could ask for. I told him I want whatever process Sophie’s therapist thinks is safe.”
“That might change later.”
“It might.”
“You might decide you deserve more.”
“I might.”
May you like
Ethan appreciated the answer more than reassurance.
Ryan looked toward the office door through which Sophie had disappeared with Maya.
